the dumbing down of love

New

2007-04-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

http://bellavita.blogdrive.com

I might come back here eventually, but for now I need a fresh start. I hope to hear from some of you soon.

So perfect from far

2007-02-21T10:02:00.000-06:00

Things are okay here in sin city. Work is work, family is still nuts, friends have all but disappeared, but my relationship is actually going well. I have family flying in this weekend, they will be the first family I've seen since December. I'm kind of in a funk right now because of certain stresses. I'll update more when I can form some more thoughts that make sense.

Transference

2007-01-26T11:45:00.000-06:00

People are determined to ruin my day. I've been in a good happy mood today and everyone is set out to bring that to a crashing halt. People I work with are bitch at me about things that are not their business, people calling in are cussing at me for not being able to transfer them to someones cell phone, and the bank is messing with me.
I just want to hide. Growl.

clean slate

2007-01-14T16:53:00.000-06:00

So I wanted to update with some more details of what has happened. I took several months to work on me. Just me, my life, my issues, and my dreams. During this time I took a leap of faith, I asked out a friend of 6 years, Josh. We started dating and everything was going great. Of course, something had to derail our life. First, Josh was let go from his job and then shortly there after he found out his license had been suspended. When he tried to fix it, they revoked it. It was a really stressful and unhappy time but we stuck it out. Then he got a really good job offer out here in Las Vegas. We had about 2 weeks to pack up and move out here. Things went okay after we got here, some fights happened and both threatened to leave a couple of times. He ended up getting his license back and his job is going just swimmingly. Now I have a job and that is just fantastic. I do have some issues going on with my car but I'll explain that later.
We are off to go piddle around and then have dinner. Comment and let me know how you are and what's new!

Viva Las Vegas

2007-01-13T20:00:00.000-06:00

I decided I needed to revive this blog. A lot happens and I miss having the outlet to say what's going on day to day.
I'm now living in Las Vegas, we moved out here a little over a month ago. We, meaning me and Josh. Yep, we are living together. It's been crazy stressful and just downright unhappy at moments [ie-last night], but I think we might make it through all the muck.
I just got a job working as a receptionist at a realty office. I start on Tuesday and could not be more excited. Everything is going well, not fantastic and perfect but good and okay.

I would update more and add details but I have dinner on the stove and need to go check on it. Mmm, chilli.

I'm alive.

2006-09-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

I wanted to post something, just so everyone knows I'm alright. The past few months have been crazy, but atleast in a good way. I'm starting to get things in order. I'm in love, very much so. Overall things are fantastic. I don't have regular internet though, hence the no updating. I will try to update more, atleast once a week or so. Either email me or leave me comments telling me what's going on with all of you.

Look at me, I'm a vlogger!

2006-08-13T18:11:00.000-05:00

Click to watch or click here to download

I decided to make a video, first try. I had a lot happen yesterday and I needed an outlet. Leave me opinions, thoughts, issues, or whatever you like.

Heartbeat

2006-08-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had something happen that with every heartbeat it's like the memory pulses through your brain?
Heartbeat. Memory flash. Heartbeat. Memory flash.
It's like you can feel the memory pulse through you with every beat, no escape.

Today was a mix of this and a horrible day. First, the front passenger window of my car broke. Then after that, on my way to Target, traffic backed up and there was a bunch of cars stopped in the middle of an intersection at a red light. Next a fireman started yelling at everyone to pull into the parking lot of an Olive Garden. Apparently a bus caught on fire, probably due to the heat. I spent the next 30 mins with no a/c in crazy traffic. On the way home another accident happened right in front of me, literally. It was 3 cars and I had to slam on my breaks to not become the 4th. My mother yelled at me for being in a bad mood and then I got sick.
On top of the basic bad day things, my heart and my mind are conflicted. Heartbeat. Flash. Heartbeat. Flash. I can't stop it and I hate to run away from people. I don't have it in me to walk away from someone who just let me in again after a year, or from someone who needs me daily, or just from someone who is always in my thoughts.
I need to sort this out. I need perspective.

Girl on the verge

2006-08-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Observation
My situation
Ain't looking up
I'm having stupid suicidal thoughts
Complication
My hesitation
To cut you off
Has put me at a total lose

I'm a girl on the verge of a nervous breakdown
I'm all messed up
Baby all cause of you
I can't sleep
I'm in too deep
I'm a girl on the verge of a major meltdown
I might be all freaked out and confused
But I still wouldn't wanna be you
I'm a girl on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Devastation
My reputation
Is headed south
My medications running out

Congratulations
I'm your creation
Well how bout that
You better lock your doors cause the bitch is back

I'm a girl on the verge of a nervous breakdown
I'm all messed up
Baby all cause of you
I can't sleep I went to deep
I'm a girl on the verge of a major meltdown
I might be all freaked out and confused
But I still wouldn't wanna be you
I'm a girl on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Betrayal

2006-08-01T01:38:00.000-05:00

Omissions are betrayal.

One of my fave movies says "Omissions are betrayal.", the main character goes through a crazy journey where she comes to finally believe this. When I watch this movie, my heart drops and I can't breathe. There is something in there that I relate to about jumping into the rabbit hole, going through the lopsided world, and coming out the other side changed.

Thoughts, please?

Dare

2006-07-30T00:37:00.000-05:00

Haha

2006-07-28T18:46:00.000-05:00

Speaking my heart

2006-07-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

I decided to write today. A random moment of overwhelming emotions and thoughts turn into this. I think I might actually like it.

catching up with myself
sipping tea that tastes like dreams
lyrics dancing in my mind
spinning around and dancing free
finding bits of myself
scattered in others songs
then piecing it together into something new
remembering how to lose someone
learning who I am now
a girl on the verge, on the verge of everything
letting people from my past catch me in the present
and show me my possible future
closing my eyes when the tears start to sting
sipping tea that tastes like dreams
catching up with myself

Any thoughts?

New Hair

2006-07-22T19:56:00.000-05:00

I cut my hair today, It's a LOT shorter, and I love it but it's so different than it was. It's fun though, I needed a change :)

Let it die

2006-07-18T20:21:00.000-05:00

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart

Arguments with my heart

2006-07-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

Say Goodbye

2006-07-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

You don't know me
Like you knew me
You stopped listening
The moment that I needed you the most

You can't see me
Like you saw me
Truth comes easy
But it's hard for you to pull me from the ground

So I scream, scream cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
And what if there was
You'd still be you and
I'd still need to say goodbye

Maybe you don't
Love me
Like I love you baby
Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run

There is beauty
In the dark side
I'm not frightened
Without it I could never feel the sun

So I scream, scream cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
And what if there was
You'd still be you and
I'd still need to say goodbye

Nothing will change no matter what you say
I'm still gonna be the same
The harder we try
The harder that we fight
Can't get it right

So I scream, scream cause it hurts
Your every word
Cuts me inside and leaves me worse
There's no way back
And what if there was
You'd still be you and
I'd still need to say goodbye

Just say goodbye
Say goodbye

Today is really really hard. The days to come don't promise to be any easier.

Men & Mascara

2006-07-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

Sunday dress hangin' on the bedroom door
Empty bottle of wine on the hardwood floor
Last night he said she was the one
Oh, but men and mascara always run

Did I give my love too soon or wait too long
Did I take it a little too easy
Or put it on too strong
She was lookin' for love he was lookin' for fun
Yeah, men and mascara always run

She ain't getting any younger
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Starin' in a mirror with little black rivers runnin' down her face

Tomorrow's gonna be a brand new day
She'll wake up in the mornin' and wash it all away
Last night he said she was the one
Oh, but men and mascara always run

Yeah, men and mascara always run.

So long, So long

2006-07-01T14:16:00.000-05:00

Hand out the window
Floatin' on air
Just a flip of the wrist
I'd be wavin' you goodbye

Drive past the lifeguard stand
Where I sit around waiting for you to remember
Well past the beach hotels
Where the girls are getting' bronzed on their monogrammed towels

I drive this ocean road
And I remember

How the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps
Paced with you a while
So long, so long

The speaker in this door is blown
So nothing sounds quite right
And I drive this ocean road
And remember
The small of your back
And the nape of your neck
And the soft way you'd hold me in the night

I remember

How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps
Pace with you a while
So long, so long...

And I will leave under the cover
Of summer's kiss upon the sky
Like the storm face of your lover
Just before she says goodbye
I was thinking that the season could be held between my arms
But just as summer's hold is fleeting
I was here and now I'm gone
I'm gone...

I'm fine, to all of those who are worried. I'm alive, breathing, and staying busy. You know how to get ahold of me. I'm off to chill.

Romance, blinding and ultimate.

2006-06-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

"So are you going to return to the Bright Court? I mean, now that you know the truth about Tamson there's no reason to stay exiled."
Ravus shook his head. "There is nothing for me there. Silarial counts death to lightly." He reached out a gloved hand and stilled her swing. " I would remain nearer you for what time there is."
"Gone in one faerie sigh," she quoted.
Leather clad fingers brushed over her short hair, rested on her cheek. "I can hold my breath."

-Valiant by Holly Black

Moving up

2006-06-05T14:39:00.000-05:00

I though I would post pictures of the area I live in now. Pretty views, mansions, wildlife, fun things..so look :)

Off to do..something..not sure yet. 'ta peoples.

Pictures, as promised

2006-06-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

Even though the quality is horrible, here are some pictures of the new place. Normally these would be crystal clear but my hands are very shaky today so deal with it.

This is what I see when I walk in my bedroom door. Exciting, yes?

Here is my T.V, dresser, stereo, dvd player, ect.

My bedroom door, purse, posters.

One side of my bed, poster, bulletin thingy.

My bed, i love my bed.

This is a picture of my cat. When I was bringing her to the new place I let her just roam in my car, she loves car rides. Well she decided she wanted to lay across my dash. I find this picture amusing. heh.

Kitchen..duh.

Bathroom...and me. woo.

More bathroom and my ab fab bathtub/shower.

Okay, thats all I have for now, I'm going to try and take pictures of the area and the rest of the place next week. For now though, I need to shower in the awesome shower shown above. Hope all is well.

New Digs

2006-05-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

So I am all moved in and starting to get settled. It was hell and I am still sore from carrying things up and down stairs. Here are the highlights.

I got pulled over and accused of stealing my own car.
Gave myself a million bruises because I'm clumsy.
Had a fight with my sister.
Watched my brother be fully in love.

I am going to try and upload some pictures of the new place soon. For now I am going to try and rest some more, so tired.

On the move, on the run

2006-05-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
-Superchick [hero]

I wanted to let you all know that I am moving this weekend. I may or may not have internet for a while. I will have access but not as regular. If anyone wants to send me a care package for my new place..email me for the new address :)
I'm freaking out but excited as well. I will try to update again some point during the chaos of the weekend.

Keeping it Together

2006-05-17T23:41:00.000-05:00

Back to the begining. Back to where I'm fighting to breathe. I did so good, I was winning the battle. I think the war caught up with me though. In square one, starting over from that scary and familiar place. New doctor, new meds, new rules and protocols. I'm desperate for normalcy, for that thing everyone but me seems to grasp so easily. It's not something easily explained, scars and bandages. It seems to anger people, smeared mascara and a blank stare. If you don't speak, anger, if you do speak, anger, if you disappear for a while, anger. How does that work? Why is it that people can say they care but scream at you for something you are not in control of.
I know with all that I have been through this will be long, painfull, and scary. I think I finally have the right help and, to be honest; I think that moving will help instead of hinder. I might freak in the weeks leading up to it but once I'm there I think it will be good. I can't send enough love to those that are there for me on a daily basis. My sister by adoption, Emily..I can't put into words how amazing us meeting was and is. You are perfection in the making, I love you with all my heart. Brent, even with the awkward and odd circumstances, I love you. You keep me safe when no one else will. I know it's a lot of pressure on you but I will remember this for the rest of my life and you will always be in my heart. Finally, Tiff, even though she will never read this. Instant and unbreakable bond is the only thing I can say about our relationship. I love her to death.
Lastly, to those of you on here who have showed interest and just tried to send me a message of hope. I will always be thankfull.

Drugs stopped working when I was born
But all the fairy dust I breathe
Is doing nothing to relieve
The strife of broken Autumn leaves in the sand

I'm still high on the music
As my inner child cries
For she may lose it

And the incense in my eyes
Can't save the sin between your thighs
Because you stabbed me with your lies
You're not the only one that's broken

Whore, fuck your drugs
I introduced you anyway
You're a slave
Spun undone, I met you in an alleyway
And I'm never okay

Cos I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together
I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together

My bones are scratched and so forlorn
And all the Prozac that I take
Is only lulling me to make up
This forced smile that is fake for all the doctors
But I'll get by

Gin and Tonic

2006-05-13T00:41:00.000-05:00

And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Sic Transit Gloria - "Thus Glory Fades"

2006-05-03T00:50:00.000-05:00

Brand New Lyrics

Brand New Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

Keep the noise low, she doesn't wanna blow it
Shaking head to toe while your left hand does "show me around"
Quickens your heartbeat
It beats me straight into the ground
You don't recover from a night like this
A victim still lying in bed completely motionless
A hand moves in the dark to her zipper
Hear a boy bracing tight against the sheets barely whisper,
"this is so messed up"
Upon arrival the guests had all stared
Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life filled with lies and failing relationships

(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up)
He keeps his hands low, he doesn't wanna blow it
He's wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and the down
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up
But the body in the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up

The fever, the focus,
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights
This doesn't seem quite fair
Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared
She's breathing quiet and smooth, he's gasping for air
"This is the first and last time", he says
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels... like
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect
He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only ready for sex

(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up)
so much more than he could ever give
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside

The fever, the focus,
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Tag you're it

2006-04-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Kain on a couple of things, this is the only one I have the brain power for at the moment. But, Kain, I promise I'll do the other one as well :)

Speak now, or forever hold your peace...

If you comment to the post:

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must (please) post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Something's gotta give

2006-04-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

So my mom's bankruptcy is final, she should have her discharge papers in 2 weeks. What does that mean? That means that I have to start looking at places again, and can do it for real since she won't be turned down. Silly people.

So remember how several posts back I did a really girly blog post? I made it a blog, yay! Ladies and gentlemen, in it's national debut, please enjoy Bella!

For those of you who like quirky but good, great actually, music; go here.

Now as for me, I'm going to find something to do, like eat or put on make up or do carwheels.

The Weekend

2006-04-17T13:11:00.000-05:00

This is mostly a picture post from the weekend. I'll caption them though :) The above was taken at a park across the street from my house.

Brent, same park.

A 400$ dress I fell in love with and looked amazing on me.

Same dress but with me rejoicing.

On the drag, drinking diet coke.

This was on a fence when we were walking around.

Sunday and the secret place

Okay now that you are overloaded on pictures, I'm off to get food. I'll catch up on your posts this afternoon. Hope you all had a Happy Easter.

Catch-a-fire

2006-04-11T12:09:00.000-05:00

So after my last post, I talked to some close friends. I came to decide I'm going to start a blog just for my beauty, fashion, sex, and relationship stuff. It's going to be fun and awesome. So now I need your help in ideas for a name.

I've had an amazing past couple of days. Up until this morning anyway. Thanks to someone who I need to come up with an alias for, I've been happy for more than 2 mins at a time. But now I don't want to get out of bed and my head is pounding and I want to do nothing but sleep and cry. I think I'm only aloud 2 happy days every 6 months. And I just filled my quota.

Oh and a very happy 18th birthday to Emily.

Edit/Rant::
I had come up with the idea that since my mom took my ballet room away for her treadmill and scrapbooking shit, that she could go to the front office of our community and get a key for the excersise rooms. They have a room with hardwood floors and ballet bars. She is home sick today so I figured it would be easy for her to do so since she wouldn't have to take a long lunch or something to go do it. I know some of you are probably think why don't I just go up there and get it, I've tried, they won't let me since my name isn't on the lease. So I asked if she could go do that today since she's home. She said they would charge her, in other words, no. This pisses me off since the past 4 days in a row she has come home with a venti espresso frappicino with 2 add shots. Thats almost 24$ for coffee that I could have bought groceries with, or got the damn key or fuck, kept the internet on. Yes, I am currently high jacking my neighbors wireless. This is so fucked up!
End Edit/Rant::

An ultra girly post

2006-04-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

WARNING: EXTREMELY GIRLY POST. MALES BEWARE.

So all my ladies read on. I have goodies and fun things to share. First off, I got my new anti-baby pills [birthcontrol] and oh the joy..they have these things called 'personal packs'. Go here to see what I mean. So cute! They also have the program where they send you an email full of info on the topic of your choice, then you take a small quiz over the info. After you complete 2 you get 5$ off your next refill, complete 3 and you get 10$ off, and complete all and you either get a free month of birth control or one of those uber cute personal packs. Guess which I chose, oh yes the personal pack. I chose the daisy one.
Now, if you have time to waste, go here. I stumbled upon this site a few days ago and I am now in love. It may seem like the ordinary fashion and beauty site but oh it's so much more! There is a small pink icon next the shopping bag. That is the best part. You get to add all of your fave products, shops, brands, designers, and celebs. Plus there are great forums where women everywhere share their fave products. If you haven't tried some of my faves I recommend a few. Philosophy is one of the best lines of products for pampering. Their facial kits are to die for, bubble baths scrumptious, fragrances that make you melt, and make up that is super unique. One of their best products is Heaven on Earth. It's a body scrub to use in the shower [they also have sugar scrubs and hot salt scrubs], and the smell is something out of my dreams. It makes my skin glow.

Benefit is one of my other ultimate product lines. Not only do all of their products have cute names but they really do work. And best of all..EASY. I have used almost every make up product known to man, I have an addiction. I know all the tricks and just love love love make up. Benefit comes through though, their products do exactly what they say they do. I also love them because I have sensitive skin, I can't wear anything heavy or man made product filled. Their face washes, make up removers, tinted moisturizers, powders, everything..are light. So go play on their website.

Finally, even thought I don't have the money to do this, Bagborroworsteal.com. Let me explain the brilliance. If you love bags, as I do, but can't afford to spend 500-5,000$ on a single bag. This site is just genius. You pick your plan [Trendsetter, Princess, Diva], then simply borrow designer bags. I know..borrowing bags?! You can now carry that Louis Vuitton back that celebs have or show off that Chloe clutch at a party. All you do is pick your bag, they mail it, use it, pick a new one and send the other back. How fun is that?!

I've been considering doing post like this and some that are very Sex and the City-esque, but I wasn't sure if you all would care to read it. But I like doing these sort of things. Fashion, make up, relationships, sex, tips and tricks...they all appeal to me and I love writing about them and sharing ideas. So, I want some feedback. Even though I might write about these things anyway. :)

Is this how a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

2006-04-06T18:57:00.000-05:00

First things first: New Layout. Same basic structure but brighter/deeper. Go look.

A lot of my relationships are being pushed to limits lately. Of course on is my mother, I don't think that will be resolved until I move out. Even then she will look at it as betrayal and things won't calm down. Tiffany has been testing me lately too. Her and I rarely fight, small tifts but they are usually resolved in the same phone call. The other night she called me upset over something her husband did, again. I was prepared to just listen to her rant and then get her thinking of something happy. She threw something at me that I didn't expect though, she was smoking. Now, normally not so shocking, she has smoked as long as I've known her, but she is 6 months pregnant. To top it off, her brilliant husband [catch the sarcasm?] went and got them for her. I was angry to say the least. They haven't even been married a year and they have not been happy for even a third of that. She won't leave him because she doesn't think she can raise two girls on her own and that no man will ever want her. That thought process just pisses me off. There isn't a damn thing I can do to help though, I let her know I'm here and put my two cents in when asked, otherwise I'm out.

Something lighter though. I got new medications today. I'm going back on Zoloft. New anti-baby pills. And something to help with my panic attacks [yay sedatives]. Cross your fingers, toes, and whatever else that these work. Anyways, it's been a very long day that I didn't want to begin in the first place. I think it might be time for dinner and mindless drama filled TV.

Before I go, I want to thank those of you that have taken and kept interest in me and how I'm doing. Your warm wishes, prayers, happy thoughts, and personal stories make me smile even if only for a minute.

Walk Away

2006-04-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

At that point, just stay home, right?

2006-04-04T19:44:00.000-05:00

I wanted to update so that people don't worry. The past week has been hard. My mothers first husband and father of my siblings passed away. I went to the viewing but not the funeral, my oldest brother came in later that day. So I did some artful dodging and stayed with a friend till monday. My mother and I are not on speaking terms. My wrist is bandaged and my head is pounding.
Do you ever have days where you just need to wear high heels and do glam make up? Thats me today.
My sister and I had a long long long talk. She knows first hand about how my mom can be. Aparently I'm not the only one my mom tries to convince that they are crazy. She did it to my sister when she was my age and thats when their relationship ended. I also found out that her and the brother I get along with have had 'talks' about how to get me out of this house and away from my mother. She also offered to help me learn how to deal with my mom. That should be a course you can take at the local community college.
I love Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City. Just an FYI, incase you didn't know. I need powdered donuts and a martini. Odd combo but I'm hormonal.
I want everyone to leave a comment telling me their ultimate crappy guilty pleasure movie. Kay..Go!

A hop, skip, and a week.

2006-03-23T21:02:00.000-06:00

Today I had to call my new insurance company to get a refferal to a therapist. It's like policy for them to ask if you are in immediate danger. I had two options, lie and have them not take me seriously or tell the truth and put up with the "do I need to call an ambulance" speach. I chose the latter. I spent the next hour on the phone being treated like a 5 year old. There is something about mental health that makes people treat you like a child. It has left me exhausted and numb.

People in my life scare me lately. No one can deal with me. If I tell them whats wrong they flip and get angry with me. If I don't tell them, they flip and get angry at me. I'm tired of this, all of this, and the scariest part is I'm not sure I have the energy to fix it.

I'm going to cry, drug myself, and watch Sex and the City.

better put the clothes in the oven

2006-03-22T12:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Sierra's 1st birthday. I can't believe she's that old already, and she's talking and starting to walk. It made my day to hear her say dude. hah.

Okay on the mommy note, I had a convo on the way to the airport about Arthur. What the heck is he? A camel? A peanut? A scary hybrid of both? Someone out there is bound to know and can tell me.

On Rocketboom today, there is a piece about Subservient Chicken. It's one of those things you always wonder who had that amount of time on their hands and what posessed them to make it. Well, I know now and am kind of amused that the people live in the same town as me. hehe.

I might update some more later, but for now I need to go to the store.

Birthdays

2006-03-17T17:34:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is a birthday party for my niece [10] and nephew [6] at a local mini golf/go kart/video arcade/pizza place. I still haven't decided if I'm going or not. That might be far to many kids for me. Plus things are super tense in my family right now. I guess we will find out how I feel in the morning though.

Oh and before I forget. Happy Birthday Brent. :)

The way we were

2006-03-16T23:07:00.001-06:00

I was cleaning some things off of my desktop, since I'm not on this computer that much anymore. I found a folder of stuff from my ex, first love and all. I started to cry, I miss him. Not in a romantic way. We remained really close after we broke up, really close. But for some reason around thanksgiving this past year, he quit talking to me. Not just me, pretty much everyone. He's a dad now. I don't even know what's going on in his life. I'm friends with some of his friends and family and they don't even hear from him. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will read this and atleast email me.

I really need to get away from Austin for a while. There is so much around me that is keeping me down, I just want out.

I've lost my mind in wanderlust
My heart cannot be found
My body yearns for the warmth of snow
But the sun keep pouring down
These streets have signs that point somewhere
But there I don't belong
And there's no more use
To curl your hair
When your innocence is gone

Glomp

2006-03-14T21:27:00.000-06:00

I haven't been sleeping very much, if at all. My mind just won't shut down, or the room spins. I did really good for 2 weeks and then last night I just, couldn't. I passed that point where something can distract me or anchor me to earth. I had to, or it would have been worse.
I've had two lyrics stuck in my head all week.
One:

I will lie awake. Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you. Let you fall for every empty word I say.

Two:

Am I so sick in the head I need to bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that's it.

Psychobabble

2006-03-13T01:40:00.000-06:00

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
It just seems like I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

Lemon

2006-03-11T22:40:00.000-06:00

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat me instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong singing a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above

Suicide watch is the best way to describe the past week or two. I'm not left alone very much, well technically. Even if I'm alone someone calls or something to check on me often. All medications in the house have been either hidden from me or just disappeared. Tonight I asked my mom for some over the counter sleep aid stuff..it's made by tylenol, not exactly strong stuff. She dumped some out into my hand and I started to go back to my room and she was like no count out how many you need and give me back the rest. I've hidden my razors because I'm scared they will be taken next. I haven't used them in a while but having them there is a comfort..I know if I start to overload and can't stop the falling then they are there. Even when no one else is.

My cat doesn't leave my side lately. She stays beside me. If I shower or take a bath she is waiting in my bathroom. If I go to the kitchen she follows and at night she has to sleep right beside me if not on top of me somewhere. She knows me better than anyone, and she's scared.

People keep asking me "what's wrong" and I can't answer that. I don't have one single thing I can say THAT right there is my problem. There just isn't one thing. The tiniest things set me off. Even the possibilities of things happening set me off. Today has been the first day people haven't checked on me. No ones called, my mom has left me alone, and I fake it. I smile and giggle and make jokes. No one notices.

I've had the question asked, what can people do to keep me from falling off the edge. What I react to, ect. The things I think of, I feel like I have no right to ask of people. It's not my place and that I just should deal. But then they do those things or I think of them doing those things and I can't breathe. I'm not sure what to do with that.

This is all just babbling, I'm out of it so I'm not sure if it really makes sense. The room is spinning so I'm going to try and rest.

I'd die without you. Without you, I'd die without you.

Into the woods

2006-03-08T08:22:00.000-06:00

Into the woods, into the dark.
Waiting for someone to come.
You show up to comfort and protect me from the night.
Then you're gone.
No hand guiding me out, no flashlight, not even breadcrumbs.
So in the woods I stay, fighting another night.
Fighting for my life.
And doing so for reasons I don't believe.
Lies float around, making it hard to breathe.
Those lies and unsaid truths damn me.
Knowing you are willing to hurt the one you claim to be saving.
So tired of fighting.
Into the dark, into the woods.

Reflections

2006-03-06T17:06:00.000-06:00

I saw you cry today
The pain may fill you
I saw you shy away
The pain will not kill you

You made me smile today
You spoke with many voices
We travelled miles today
Shared expressions voiceless

It has to end
Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you

It has to end to begin

Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit

It has to end to begin

Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you

It had to end to begin

Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you

it has begun

Mail, road trips, and cake

2006-03-02T23:41:00.000-06:00

I recieved a package from Cathy today. It made my day to see it, and everything in there was just so me. In case the picture is fuzzy here is what she sent: Songs from the great white north [which she made], a beautiful bookmark, post its [addiction], an adorable little note pad that says 'the world needs more Canada', a pen that says 'i love canada', and a lovely card. So, even though I already said so, thank you :)

I will be out of town for a few days so I won't be able to update or check up on anything. Part of me is looking forward to the trip but only the driving part. Being alone in my car with the stereo blasting, the family part could be non existent.
For now though, I must go. I need to get to bed and those sorts of things so I am not a zombie girl tomorrow.

EDIT

Not going out of town. My moms first husband and the father of my siblings has taken a turn for the worst. I'm sticking around to help out with what I can. Not that I really can, but yea.

Without You

2006-02-25T23:46:00.000-06:00

"Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves."

I'm watching Rent and if you haven't seen this movie, I highly reccomend you go get it now and do so. I really connect with the character Mimi. I love it.
Last weekend was the Mercy Street Music Festival at my church. It was amazing. We collected so much canned goods that the food bank had to make several trips. Plumb was...astounding. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Every song gave me chills but when she sang Cut, I lost it. I had to curl up in my seat to keep my body from shaking and my mom was holding my hand and crying too. I already loved that song but seeing her sing it live, litterally 3 feet from me was just, wow. The other band Wideawake, was just pure high energy and sexy rock-ness. The music was awesome but that lead singer smiling down at me and winking was just fun.
The most awkward part of that day was the fact that my ass was on thousands of flyers all over the festival. The weekend before I was asked if I could be in a picture, it was supposed to be from the knees down. They wanted to show the diversity of people through our shoes. I was like yea awesome. Well, turns out they liked the wider shot and my ass was the only one facing the camera. I had a guy come up and ask if I could autograph my butt. Hah, it was weird.
I'm still not okay, and I know most of you don't want to hear about it so I will keep things light and fluffy if I can. For now, back to Rent.

"But I Know Blue. Only Blue,Lonely Blue. Within Me, Blue. Without You"

Cold Metal, Warm Skin

2006-02-23T05:38:00.000-06:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Spiral

2006-02-18T20:04:00.000-06:00

The room heaves, expanding then shrinking.
My eyes lose focus making everything a blur of colors.
I stop, wait, trying to breathe slowly. 1 2 3 4 5.
Skin that doesn't feel like it should.
Dying, waiting for someone to save me.
I plead for anyone to pull me back.
My saving grace never comes, I lock the door.
Lock door, turn on stereo so loud it pulses in my screaming veins.
1 2 3 4 5
Lump in the throat, cold in the heart, tears in the eyes.
My bed spins, close my eyes count to 5, open.
My room jumps then rights itself and my bed feels unsteady.
Stop. Call someone. Reach out just one more time.
What do you know? No one cares, no one will drop what they are doing to help you.
Stupid girl. There are much more important things than you.
Don't you see how easy it is for people to walk away?
Idiotic girl. Holding your breath for a white night.
Black is all you get, and red.
Watching someone sing what you feel everyday, telling the people around you your secret.
They won't get it, girl. Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop thinking someone cares.
Just stop. No one will pull you back, don't be so fucking naive.
Do it, get it over with so that the room will return to normal and that sudden exhaustion can take over.
Girl, you are too much to handle. Everyone says it, thinks it, feels it, knows it. Let them feel the relief.
End it, with a gasp and a tear.
Stupid girl.

Numb lips from too many sips and a head that's sure to spin

2006-02-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

I was doing good to smile and have my make up done. I was doing good wearing my hair curly in a romantic sort of fashion and I didn't cry. All it takes is one person I can't lie to asking me if I'm alright and that whole illusion is broken. I got almost no sleep, crying from around midnight till 5am. Then dreams of crying and waking up to more tears. I hate the lump in my throat.
I asked my mom yesterday to leave me the debit card so I could put gas in my car to get to my hair appointment today. She didn't and because of the state I'm in it made me freak out more. I don't have enough gas to make it to her work, not in the strong wind and up hill. On a normal weather day, possibly. Not today.
I'm going to try and eat now and get dressed for my day. Oh, and if you are wondering, the art I'm using is from www.kurthalsey.com. I love his work.

Dangerous Angels

2006-02-16T20:16:00.000-06:00

Chris and Marissa had their baby. Tara Marie was born on the 15th at a healthy 7lbs 3oz. I'm so excited for them.
Sometimes I think my mom is missing that filter in her brain that says "I shouldn't say this. No, don't, shut up". I was talking to her about my friend Tiffany's marriage. They have this thing where they think that since they are married they need to spend every second together. I know it's not logical for that to be since that just isn't so. Between work and kids and household chores there just isn't a lot of time. But I was telling my mom all of this and was venting about how I get annoyed with how messed up Tiff's point of view is. She came back at me with she doesn't think mine is any better. It was just offending. I was also telling her about everyone that is going to try to make it to the Mercy Street Festival on Saturday. I told her I invited my brother and his wife and son. She immediately went into this "Oh I don't even bother inviting my kids places because they are always busy." I was like it's not like they do it on purpose but I so badly wanted to follow that up with you will never even give the relationships a chance if you don't try. I knew that my brother and sister would be busy. They both have kids and jobs and tons of family and rodeo stuff to do. I still call and ask though, they appreciate it so much..just to know I'm okay and all that's going on. She pushes and pushes until everyone just leaves her alone. That's what she says she wants but then the flip side it hurts her. She's doing the same to me and it breaks my heart.
When we were talking about the Mercy Street Festival she said that she was going to go look at townhomes because that's more important. She was looking at me like she expected me to say 'Oh, I'll go with you.' but I was like I'm not going, I have waited over 2 months for this concert and I'm going. She was like that's fine but I know this is more important than a concert. I need this weekend though. A full day of friends, music, awesome local food and the next day full of relaxing and church. I'm not letting her take that away.
I'm going to stop writing for now, I'm going to rest. I hope all is well with you.

Death to Valentines Day

2006-02-14T19:16:00.000-06:00

I hate today so I'm not going to be all lovey and ooh and ahh over the wonderful thing that is heart day. Just ain't going to happen folks, sorry.
On the moving and home search front, we have looked at several places and now are enlisting the help of a local agency. The one we really want is a 2 story duplex in south central Austin. It's 15 mins from my moms work, 5-10 mins from downtown, and 15 mins or so from campus. It's 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a carport and attic space. The best thing is that one bedroom is upstairs and the other is downstairs, which makes for privacy. One won't be available till late March but keep your fingers crossed.
My bestest buddy in the world found out she is having another baby girl today. She already has a daughter that will be 1 next month, but this is the first with her husband. Also my bestest guy buddy's girlfriend went into labor earlier today. It's baby day or something, weird.
Also, the leader of the group I work with at youth group thinks I need to "take leave". I let her know what all is going on with the moving and extreme money shortage and she thinks that worrying about calling kids and taking them out is just added stress. Her thought is I transfer to the Greeting Team for a while. I don't want to frankly, but I'm going to email the youth pastor tomorrow and get his advice.
Now on with my anti-valentines day. I had chilli cheese fries, I'm watching gilmore girls and after this I plan to have some rum and watch every girly movie I own. Or atleast I will attempt this, it will all depend on how much rum I drink. Don't judge, I have no romance.

Move Along

2006-02-10T15:16:00.000-06:00

So I'm moving. My mom and I start looking at places tomorrow. I've had to suspend my therapy, which didn't please my therapist. I finally have my fathers number. Now I just need to gather the courage to call, considering I haven't heard from him in almost 6 years. A lot of people don't fully grasp why it's a huge deal to call my dad and ask for help. If it was just about my dad, I would be fine, but there's more. And if that bleached blonde tacky dressed chain smoking more talks to me I might hurt her.
I have a lot going on and lots to think about. I'll try to update more soon.

"So speak to me, when all you have to keep is strong, move along move along like I know you're to. And even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through."

Bittersweet

2006-02-06T13:32:00.000-06:00

I have put off updating but there are some of you I know would like to hear what's going on. For about 3 months or so my mother has been in the process of filing bankruptcy. When she started all of this, she reassured me I would not lose my home or any of my belongings. Well yesterday morning before church, I was helping her curl her hair and suddenly I was Iraq and she was George W. Bush. She very casually let me know that we might lose the house. She goes to court on Thursday to find out. So that gives me a whole 4 days to get used to the idea. She has known about this for weeks if not months and has been apartment/townhome searching. If you read this regularly you know that the one major thing I need in my life is stability. Well how about losing your home for the past 4 years for stable? Oh and to top off this lovely pile of crap, I may not have electricity soon. Wait, not done. Groceries are apparently now a luxury. Then, this morning at 8 my cell kept going off. I was kind of out of it and didn't really hear it the first time, the second time I heard it and answered. It was my mom saying I need to come get her, I asked where she was and she said Seton Hospital. My heart dropped into my stomach and then she clarified that her car broke down right by it. So now I might lose my home, I have my car only on certain conditions, and all stability is gone.

I will keep you updated as long as I have internet access, if that goes away it will be more sporadic. I hope you all are okay and having a beautiful day.

Oh you silly stupid past time of mine...

2006-02-03T17:41:00.000-06:00

What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turn yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been out-bidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well

extraordinary machine

2006-02-03T03:35:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep. I almost wish my phone hadn't rang, I hadn't heard it, missed call. I was so positive, so sure of myself. Walk away, I kept telling myself it's right. It's hard for me to think that when I remember how content and happy I was with how things were before you asked that horrid question from out of nowhere. Now I feel nauseated and I want to run. Just run as hard as I can. Or dance until my legs are shaking. I'm doing that thing, that tell tale sign that I'm not okay. Biting my lip so hard it hurts. Choking back that aching lump in my throat. I know I have said this before and I probably will again. Your brain lies but I see your heart. Words fly out at me like a million insects coming fast and hard but I always see something else shining at me from your eyes. I got scared yesterday, the thought of accepting an invitation for a date made my head spin. I can't do it now, not like this, it got me in a bad place last time. Give me a chance to show you how a woman like you should be treated. God why are those words so deceiving. I almost prefer the vulgar men who just say they want to fuck my brains out. There is nothing false about physical attraction, and that's all I seem to get. Even from you. I'm so beautiful, so sexy, so delicate and strong. I learned so early in life how to use that, how to smile and get my way. I swore off boys and dating before I even had my first kiss because I became an object. I hid my body under big sweatshirts and never wore make up and always had my hair up.

All I know right now is something in my heart isn't right. I know I can't rely on you but I'm not sure how to be without you. I keep thinking if I surround myself with more people, do more, have more, and then I won't care. It doesn't work. Why is that? Why can't I just say goodbye? Why can't I escape this gnawing feeling?

It's almost 4am. I should try and sleep again, try to block out your voice. Or perhaps I will shower and let the hot water wash away my tears. Breathe deep, brace yourself. It's another day.

Baby, just hand me a razor next time.

2006-02-01T00:03:00.000-06:00

Numb fades into confusion. I was ready to give up on you Sunday, watching you walk away the way that you did. Putting the razor in my hand and then going out with friends. I received the message loud and clear, don't worry anymore. You don't care, I am the past now. I should be more upset than I am, I should be something. I don't want to hate, I don't want to be broken, I don't want to hate you. You see me hit the ground and it's like a sick game to see how far I can be pushed. How far can I be pushed? Is the simple fact that while driving home I asked myself how much it would take to kill me, how many little white pills would it take for me to sleep for days. Is that bad? I don't even know anymore. This lyric keeps pounding in my head, you told me you need space with a kiss on the side of my face. I know I am not the only one that thinks how I do, that you can't tell someone you don't love them and don't want to be with them and then hold them and kiss them. It almost doesn't matter that you want her, whoever she is. I'm not sure if you will be happy, if she makes that happen, wonderful.
I want to cause you pain. Rip your heart into tiny bits and do a happy dance on them. Watch you clutching yourself in pain and smile and kiss you and say it's all okay. You never try to say you love me, or that you're sorry. Cold hearted. I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, I've had my share of closing doors, and I know I'm not afraid. I know exactly what you'll say and I'm sorry, it's to late. Maybe it's time for goodbye. Time for you to take my painting down, erase my pictures, erase me. Or lie awake and go over how much you fucked up. Ache for the way only I can touch you. Miss my smell, my smile, the way my fingertips hold you to me. I am this extreme force of nature, I can blow your mind. I make guys weak with just a look, I may act like I don't know this but I do. I chose not to use it. Men would kill to be where you have been. I know I don't have to work to get a date, or even a boyfriend, but I don't want one. I simply don't care.
I will forever question why you sabotaged us, why I never got the chance. You've offered explanations but lies fall out of your mouth. Little ransom notes for my heart.
Exhale. You push me away, another black day, run out of ways to count the reasons to cry. Look at what you've missed, living like this, nobody wins. You're just too caught up in who you are.

I'm done. Once again I have to be the grown up. No. Over. I'm done. Let me rest in pieces. Fuck. Over. Dunzo. Done.

Nobody Wins

2006-01-30T18:36:00.000-06:00

Above is products of my over a week long panic attack. I've also made some for friends. If you would like one, let me know, I might start making these and selling them. Especially since I made most of those in less than 24 hours.

I have a lot on my mind, but I'm not ready to write about it just yet. I will keep you updated though, no worries. Time for dinner, hope all is well.

This Time Around

2006-01-25T16:00:00.000-06:00

So with the continuing trend of things going good and being grateful, I have some new things to update you on.

First: Job Opportunity.

They are looking for a receptionist at my church. I had been kicking around the idea of applying but hadn't really decided. I prayed on it and did it. I sent the resume today. I mentioned it to my therapist, who is through my church, and she got extatic. Since her clients wait in the reception area she has been worried they will hire someone who isn't sensitive to that fact, so she would love for me to do it. Cross your fingers I get a call.

Second: Youth Ministry

I met with the new youth pastor at my church today, Josh. We covered all the things he is planning to do and what role I could have in the ministry. I have been extremely anxious to get started in this. I have always wanted to work with teens and this is a stepping stone for that. I'll probably go into much more detail about this in a later post but for now I just wanted to say yay. Plus I'm considering youth ministry as a career. I have been getting little nudges from God that this is where I belong. I'm starting to listen, it scares me a bit but I'm excited.

Third: Lives of Friends

My friend that I mentioned that might be in trouble, finally reached out to me. It wasn't a big reach, but it was there. As long as I can get communication flowing between me and him, things will be fine. Still keep him in your thoughts and prayers but he is doing better.
Also things with Tiffany and her husband are still on the road to getting better. He is still stubborn and abusive but he is getting some help. I hope it sticks.

So there is your update for today folks. I'm still doing better, I am getting much better at staying centered. I'm sleeping, meditating, eating good, and starting to excersise again. I love all of you for the support and kind words you have given me over the past several months, it was above and beyond. You couldn't imagine how much it helped. Hope you are all well.

Oh Snap

2006-01-23T19:37:00.000-06:00

I thought of another movie that I find amazing. A patch of blue. It's a lot older than the others I mentioned but I love it. If you haven't seen it please do so.

I am very thankful today. Thankful and more happy than I have been in about 6 months. Here is all that's happened.

Got a prescription plan which equals saving money.
Tiffany's husband is getting help with his OCD. She realized that it's not her, he is the one who needs help.
I had my first rape counseling session.
I have meds to help me sleep, anti-depressant, and for anxiety.
MHMR- if I qualify, I would get free psychiatric care and free meds.
My mom is still being nice.
I'm eating better, well minus the rice crispy treats.
Working out doesn't seem like such a far fetched idea.
My mom got us both gift certificates to a salon. I get 5 separate treatments. Including a designer hair cut, manicure, facial, hair conditioning visit, and waxing.

This all may seem small to the public at large but to me it's huge. I haven't had a lot that's even semi good happen to me lately, so these things are making the light at the end of my tunnel seem a bit closer.
Time to settle in for the night, I want to try and get up early and do ballet bar. I hope you are all good, let me know what you are thankful for today!

Trust your instincts when working on your inner self

2006-01-22T11:53:00.000-06:00

Your need to be unseen now conflicts with your usual desire to interact with others. This retreat is not necessarily about insecurity. It could be a more practical issue, for you need the time to reestablish contact with your inner self. Although you may tend toward isolation, your mind is as sharp as a tack these days; your first shot is your best shot. Trust your intuition, even if you don't tell others what you are thinking for a few more days.

That's what my horoscope said for today. Seems very relevant. It's very cold and rainy today and I want to just snuggle up in bed and watch movies. I have church tho, I didn't make it last sunday because my mom was feeling sick.
I have a lot on my mind, a lot a lot. Maybe this week will clear some of the muck away.

Okay, interactive time.
I want all of you to name a movie that has effected you. I have more than one, so if you do to, that's fine. Mine are Thirteen, Home Room, Pieces of April, and Life as a House. There are probably more but those are the ones that jumped to mind today.

I must go get ready now, I hope you all are having a happy sunday.

One Girl Revolution

2006-01-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

I wanted to update and say I'm not okay, but that that's okay. I'm taking baby steps to being fine. It takes time and pain so bare with me.
One of my closest and most important friends is in trouble. I'm afraid I might lose him. So are some others close to him, so say a prayer for him. Give him some strength.

I hope all is well with all of you.

I wear a disguise
I'm not just your average jane
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean I'm plain
If all you see is how I look
You miss the superchick within
And I christen you titanic underestimate and swim
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot bang that you hear round the world
I'm a one girl revolution
Some people see the revolution but most only see the girl
I can lose my hard earned freedom in my fear defines my world
I declare my independence from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone...

Golden

2006-01-17T18:28:00.000-06:00

She's alone tonight,
With a bitter cup and,
She's undone tonight,
She's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons,
Who've been screaming she's just another so and so,
Another so and so
You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
Don't let go, Don't let go tonight.
There's a fear that burns,
Like trash inside
And you're ashamed of the curse,
That burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes, It's your book now,
You're,Golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
Don't let go,Don't let go tonight.
You're a lonely soul,
Inlet of broken hearts
You're far from home,
It's a perfect place to start
So this final verse,
Is a contradiction
And the more we learn,
The less we know
We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before
Golden,
You are Golden, Child
This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a singing crown away,
Like some debilitated king,
Don't let go tonight
Earth Spins and your mind goes round'
Green comes on the frozen ground,
And everything will be made new again,
Like freedom and spring,
Hey, like freedom and spring,
Like freedom and spring

It's been a bad day. I don't want to write about it, or talk it through, I just want to sit and cry and block everyone out. Watch Gilmore Girls, a sad movie, eat french fries and ice cream..ignore phone calls.

I hate feeling expendable. Not wanted nor needed. Humanity sucks today.

I realize I just updated this but I'm having a panic attack now and I just..hate all of this. So I'm asking this of you, distract me? Any way you wish, email me something [casset.tapes@gmail.com], leave comments, just something. I need to be distracted so I can breathe.

you can't say it won't happen again

2006-01-16T16:59:00.000-06:00

The past several days have been a blur. As most of you know that read this, the past month or so have been insane and hard. Just in the past week I have been going back to basics. Learning how to breathe again, meditation, music and reading, tons less television and junk food. It was keeping me sane during the waking hours. Night time though, has been hell. I turn off the lights and lay down and all of these images and thoughts flood my mind. Images from my rape, thoughs of my mom dying or kicking me out, horrible things that happened in my childhood, they just all flash like a bad movie. I try to stop them but they just keep coming, so I drug myself and try to sleep. Not even that has worked. I didn't have this happen last night, someone was next to me, breathing deeply and staying close. I forgot how much that helps, especially with the scarier images. But that can't be normal, I can't have that every day and night. I know I have abandoment issues, but I think the rape, my mom, cutting, and just past events have made it even worse. I cry when people leave me because I am so scared of myself and my own head. This is no ones problem but my own, I don't try to put it on anyone anymore. If they have to leave or just want to, I won't say different like I used to.
And something happened, I don't want to say what. But it scared me more than I ever could have expected. I didn't know that my brain and my body would respond like it did. This is just all so confusing. But in spite of the stream of tears I have going at the moment, I know what needs to be done.
1. Keep reading, meditating, and doing ballet.
2. Go to therapy on Wed. and the crisis center on Thurs.
3. Start planning how contacting my father will go.
4. Don't feel guilty for any of this, I can't control what's happening in my brain and what others do. If I feel it, it's real. I'm not overreacting.

That's all I have for now. I do want to leave you with a question:
Have you ever been sitting somewhere, minding your own business, and a song came on that sounded like they were talking directly to you?

A lot like love

2006-01-12T00:40:00.000-06:00

I'm laying in bed watching A Lot Like Love. I am in complete adoration of this movie. I have a lot of things running through my head right now. I want to pick up the phone and call someone, but I'm stopping myself for some reason. I talked to a really old friend today, we were best of friends in jr high. We met in 6th grade and just really hit it off. I found her on myspace.com randomly, I got giddy at just the idea of talking to her again. She sent me an instant message tonight and we talked for a couple of hours. She's still the same, still her. She offered me something in short supply for me lately, to simply be here. Not many people in my life will just be here for me, they have stipulations and conditions. She has been going through the same thing apparently. I want to go visit her very badly now. Which kind of brings me to my next topic.

I've been strongly considering contacting my father. I am out of options right now, I need help from somewhere. Shannon offered for me to crash at her place if I do decide to go down there. Which would kind of kill several birds with one stone. Seeing her, contacting my father, and also she could be emotional support. Contacting him is scary, I don't know what to expect at all. Even if I decide to call him I would need someone here with me while I did it. I get emotional just thinking about it.

I had a big cry fest at therapy today. I posted about my money issues and how I was going to sell some of my books. I ended up with 65 books and I only got 23 dollars for them. It was really disappointing. But I had to do something to try and better my situation. My therapist talked about how my situation is kind of like the battered women she treats. There are things that just simply have to be done to better my situation but all of my resources are tapped. I am scraping the bottom the barrel on my emotional energy, which makes it hard for me to accomplish even simple things. She did settle one worry in my mind tho, I had been worried that if things get worse with my mom that she would kick me out like she did my sister. I have no one to turn to if that does happen, but my therapist reminded me that the benevolence line at my church would take care of me if need be. The community at my church would not let me live on the streets. It's good to know that.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me tonight. I'm not upset in my general oh things are bad sort of way. Something is different, I'm not sure what. I think I might try and rest now. Maybe writing this will get some of the static out of my brain.

breathe

2006-01-10T17:18:00.000-06:00

After my last post things have been hard. I need some form of independence so I'm selling some of my books and a few cd's. 26 books to be exact, it's like losing a leg for me. Even tho I still have a good 40 books left. I tried to pick ones I don't re-read on a regular basis. I need the money tho so I need to do it. I also have about 14$ in change that I'm going to cash in. If I hadn't already taken my extra clothes to Goodwill then I would go do a trade for those.
I went crazy with cleaning today. I haven't been up for cleaning or anything lately. Not even cooking which is usually a therapy thing for me. My meals have consisted of cereal and pizza rolls. But today I cleaned everything in my room, went through all my books and cd's, washed dishes, washed my comforter and sheets and blankets, and I will probably conquer my bathroom after I finish this.
I considered putting a pay pal button on here and my other various web thingies. But to me that seems a bit desperate. Even though I am I guess, I don't know. I just don't feel like I am that hard up, yet. I also thought about maybe doing some comissions for people, Wiether it be drawings, paintings, or some form of graphics. I hate doing those though, when it comes to my art I have a hard time letting people tell me how it should be done.

On a happier note than my financial issues. My church is only 3 weeks away from being in our ab fab new building. On Febuary 18th we are having a huge all day benefit. I had to keep from squealing during service because one of my fave artists for the past..4 years or more..is going to be there. At MY church. Plumb will be at my church. That makes me very excited. I doubt many of you have heard of her, she isn't very well known in the main stream circut. She has had songs in a couple of movies, Brokedown Palace, The Perfect Man. Some others but I don't remember all of them. So, yay for that.

Time to go scrub something else. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I've read your posts, just haven't had a lot to say. I hope you are all well :)

because of you

2006-01-07T15:18:00.000-06:00

I debated on weither or not to update on this or not but I feel like I need to.

Last night I had a fight with my mom, not the biggest we have had but a fight. I came to my room and when I came back out she was gone. This was around 930, around 1030 I started to worry. I called a couple of my friends to get their point of view if I should freak or just wait it out or what. When my mom left she left the t.v on and all the lights and the porch light, so it seemed like she would be right back. She also only took her wallet, no purse and no cell phone. Time continued to pass, around 1 am it started to cross over from the she could be out to where is she. I called my brother and sister n law at this point. They said I should wait till around 230 to really freak out, so I talked to them until that point. Then I called all the hotels near my house, and my moms office, and then I called my brother back. She wasn't at any hotels, the hospital or cops hadn't called or pounded on the door. By now it was around 3am, I told my brother I would call in the morning either way. Then I took something to calm me down and get rid of the killer headache I had. I took a hot bath and put on a movie and just laid here. I dozed in and out until 645 this morning when she came home. I went out to the kitchen and she didn't say hi, just handed me a magazine and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I asked if I got an explanation, she asked for what, I said for disappearing, she said no. So I came in my room and passed out.
I just went out there for the first time since, she didn't look at me or talk to me. So yea, I don't know what to do. I just needed to get this out of my head, I might update more later.

bleh blech blechness

2006-01-05T22:20:00.000-06:00

I have felt sick and emotional all day. I've thrown up twice and just felt utterly nauseated. I haven't had anything to eat, so I know its not something like food poisoning. I haven't gone anywhere besides therapy in the past two weeks so I don't think I have a bug of some sort. I don't know, I keep crying at the drop of a hat as well. Maybe it's just sleep deprevation.

I'm watching this show on the Travel Channel. It's about Jack Osbourne, titled "Jack Osbourne: Adrenaline Junkie. It's about how he goes from the flabby, drunk, druggy we knew on the reality show, to this buff guy that climbs a mountain or something. So far it's funny to watch him sweat and jump around, and yoga.

I feel sick again so I'm going to go lay in my bathroom. I hate waking up and being sick immediatly. OH and scary thought, I wanted mexican earlier and then when I saw some it made me feel sooo sick. I love mexican..what is the deal.

and sugar we're going down

2006-01-04T16:53:00.000-06:00

Appropriate title. I just found out my friend Josh was in a car accident. I haven't talked to him in a couple months because we were both going through a lot and yea. He is staying with his mom for a while, her house is only a few streets from mine. I called his cell and left a message but I don't expect him to be checking it all that often.

I tried to think of all sorts of interesting things to write about today, nothing came to mind. Well I take that back, there were lots of things that came to mind. Most of these things are personal tho and I don't want just anyone knowing them. A lot of my friends are having problems and I don't want to broadcast their issues. So yea, boring post.

I need energy, perhaps I'll eat something.

Happy New Year

2005-12-31T16:36:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years. I leave you with a video to watch. When Genevive ruled the world.

Love to you all.

undiscovered

2005-12-30T17:10:00.000-06:00

myredself.org

You don't fall out of love until you fall into someone else.

Click Clak

if it's alright i'll wait here till morning

2005-12-30T15:52:00.000-06:00

photo from myredself.org

I just spent the past hour laying on the floor of my living room. Not moving, not talking, not doing anything. I'm not sure if this should worry me or not. My therapist thinks I need out of my house for like a week, but I have no where to go or money to get there. Just a random update, I think I might go stare at the ceiling again.

just an edit..i hate my mother. someone save me.

another edit..this day just keeps getting better.
" IM 28 M FROM AROUND GEORGETOWN. IM 6'4" 240LBS BLONDIS BROWN HAIR BLUE EYES ATHETLIC BUILD. IM A FIREFIGHTER. IM MARRIED (NOT HAPPILY). IM LOOKING FOR A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS JUST BENEFITS QUICK IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IF U LIKE WHAT U HEAR GIVE ME A EMAIL BACK AND MAYBE WE CAN CHAT"
I got that message on myspace.com. Yes he used all caps, yes he was serious. Now apparently guys see me and go, Ooo cheating on my wife. This is just lovely.

Talk about the weather

2005-12-28T19:43:00.000-06:00

photo from myredself.org

There were tiny rainbows in my bath.
thinking of ways to hide what I did.
wondering how many it would take to disappear.
learn some grace. Your actions have consequences.
yelling yelling. Why aren't you my mom anymore?
tiny rainbows and unfocusing my eyes.
shaking hands and a backbeating heart.
--me

ha!

2005-12-28T16:00:00.000-06:00

click for a laugh. i want to meet those people. yes i do.

scream little girl scream

2005-12-27T21:11:00.000-06:00

This is a picture from diversify.nu. There is amazing photography on there but a lot of it is of a sensitive nature and some is graphic. If you can't handle it don't look but I find the capture of the human struggle to be beautiful. Just thought I would share.

Say something

2005-12-27T14:56:00.000-06:00

I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure
You rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus of me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
I've tried but you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

2005-12-26T23:31:00.000-06:00

Pretty girl is suffering,
while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
what his intentions were about

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

Its the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual
with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to
be aware of evil men

And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him outta your head

Pretty girl is suffering
while he confesses everthing
pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get him outta your head

its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind
its the way that he makes you fall in love

The way we were

2005-12-26T15:21:00.000-06:00

I've written about this before. I know I have but if you don't want to read it I'm not making you.
My fave Gilmore Girl episode..I now have it on DVD. For the past several or more months this one episode has mirrored my life. I could watch it on repeat and just cry in bed. Which I'm doing today..not the repeat part but the in bed crying. There are certain things I don't write about in here because certain people read this. I also have this weird feeling my mom found this..side note..um anyway back to my point. I've been in a funk..I didn't wash my hair or shave my legs for days. I only did so because I had church and didn't want to go to Christmas Eve service all smelly and hairy. I've had terrible lock jaw from stress..so I haven't been eating a whole lot. I've layered many blankets on my bed and kept my room extra cold so it's all snuggly. I've been avoiding people by phone and instant messenger, the only way people have contacted is email or persistent text messages. I wish I was in Chicago right now..or Mountain Home. Just somewhere that I know the people love me unconditionally and will let me wallow and help the process along. This is the first time in a very long time I do not mind being isolated and alone. I want to just hide and work through everything in my mind and heart by my little lonesome.

Just for reference..I do not want any comments saying 'read this book it will help you get over him' or 'there is always a silver lining so buck up camper'. I don't mind positive things but be supportive while the positive is happening.

I'm not sure any of this made sense to anyone but me. I just needed to get it out of my head ...tears are blurring the computer screen now so I must go.

if you jump, i jump, jack

2005-12-25T19:36:00.000-06:00

'Do you have any single friends? You seem to know a lot of people. -Michael'

Is this a bad sign? That I no longer get hit on but get asked if I have any single friends? I'm offended and want to pinch this dude.He is also as tall as me..or as short depending how you look at it. 5'6 is great for chicks but for a dude..wow no.

I got one Christmas present, a happy one tho. It also made my day to know that I have a wrapped and waiting present in Chicago. Apparently it's nice and I'm going to love it. I hope you all are having a great holiday and if not, I leave this with you for a laugh. Who took my pie?

oy with the poodles already.

edit:
personal note,
remember to check if movies are entirely in japanese. I am not against foreign cinema but trying to read subtitles while things are blowing up and people are talking in fast fast speedy japanese..it's all very distracting. Now onto 'The Phantom of the Opera'...no subtitles wahoo! and I LOVE musicals, shush about me being corny and romantic.

one girl revolution

2005-12-22T17:11:00.000-06:00

I'm exhausted and slightly hungover..okay more than slightly. I'm not so sure I will update a whole lot the rest of this week. I'm going to Gilmore Girl it and take bubble baths and do facials. Add to that ignoring everyone in my house so they do not bring me down and junk food, and you get a good end of the week. I plan to do nothing for Christmas but drink margaritas and ignore the fact that it's the holidays. My family scares me. I need a nap.

If your crazy then I'm insane

2005-12-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

I have had a weird/good/confusing week. I've given up on and written off people who just are not good for me. I've put my foot down and stood up for what I need and want. I have become brutally honest again. I have connected with a stranger, one that I now care about like a little sister. I'm struggling to walk away from things that are slowly killing me and walk towards things that make me glow with happiness. I've been a basketcase, a tough girl, a strong believer dreamer, a sex kitten, a woman, a small girl in your arms, and an angry little faerie. I've smiled more in the past day than I have in weeks. I feel at peace but also scared and sad.

Healing is a confusing process.

It's the season finale of Nip/Tuck and I am on the edge of my seat so I must leave you now. I am eager to learn who 'the carver' is. Goodnight all.

Forgotten

2005-12-19T19:57:00.000-06:00

Some of you kind of seemed interested in the problems I have with my mother. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail about the things she has done and continues to do. I will tell you that she has done her best to keep me down most of my life. If I wasn't doing something, she yelled at me to do what she thought was best. Then when I would do what she was yelling at me about, she would flip out about that and tell me I will never be able to do it. She lies and keeps things from me. She also demeans and belittles me in front of others.
I love my mother, and I have done everything I can for her. I put my life on hold to help her last year when she had open heart surgery. I held her hair for her when I was little and she was throwing up from drinking to much. I did everything she asked. From the time my father left us, she always told me everything and treated me like an equal and a partner. She suddenly changed all that when I got to be about 13 and started speaking my mind more than I already did.
I can't make her happy. Which even she admits. I recently asked her what she would do when I move out, who would she yell at and blame everything on? She said she would yell at the dogs. I think that lets you know the position I am in. I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't place. I know I am moving out as soon as I possibly can and I know this will be an ultimatum to my mother. It will be me abandoning her, me breaking her heart, and my freedom.

I am doing everything in my power to fix my life and fix myself. I am in therapy for things I don't care to go into at the moment. I plan to go back to school and get a good job and moving out. I have plans for myself, I don't tell anyone about them accept for maybe two people. Those plans are like my secret right now, when I tell others they tell me what I can't do, not what I can.
I'm walking away from people who hurt me, don't believe in me, and constantly seek to leave me. It's incredibly painful and I'm struggling through all of this mess but I fully plan on coming out the other side, glowing and stronger. Goodbye to you by Michelle Branch has become my theme song for this month. This next year possibly too.
Anyways, this is possibly one of the more personal posts I have ever done. I am going to cut it off here and go back to relaxing. If you [being whoever is reading this] want to know more about me, just ask. I don't mind sharing my life, but I am learning to keep more things close to me unless asked. So ask if you wish :)

Edit::
I just went into my mothers room to ask for some asprin stuff because I hurt my back. Immediatly it went into why I could never go through beauty school. And why she thinks I could never make it. Lovely yes?

Because of you

2005-12-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

Everytime I let my guard down with my mother because she has been in a semi-decent mood this happens. I treat her like I should a mother and ask for advice on something or just talk about something going on in my life. She then promptly slams me and tells me how wrong I am. Most often when she says these things, she is so far off that I wonder if she has even met me.
Today it was simply the question of if something my best friend has always told me to do is right or not. My best friend has always told me that if I want to go somewhere or go visit someone to just go. If they are my friend they will not mind. Well my mom flipped it into this whole thing of me apparently 'throwing myself' and someone and 'stalking' them. Basically making me feel like a idiotic whore with an extra side of crazy.
Not everything I do is fucked up, and not everything I do is wrong. I make mistakes yes, but how will I learn if I don't. I'm not going to be like her, keeping myself and my heart so closed off that not even my children can love me. I refuse to be that way. If this causes me pain then so be it. I can't be her, and I can't be her everything anymore.

butterflies and hurricanes

2005-12-17T20:04:00.000-06:00

I did another new layout..I always feel way to bad using someone elses work. I needed to make my own and re do the codes and just..yea. This one will stick I promise :)

That's my dog Sophie. Yesterday tried to jump thru a window. No, not really. She was barking at something and punched the window with her two front paws and shattered it. She sliced her leg pretty bad, I think it needs stitches but we can't afford that.
Now we have cardboard and trashbags covering a window in our dinning room area. She is scared to really go in there now. And all of the sudden my mom wants to train her. Hah, funny, considering the dog is 3 years old. I love Sophie, I really do, she just isn't the most trained dog on earth.
Now back to Coldplay in concert from ACL on tv. Yay, they are playing 'Fix you'. Chris Martin looks like he is humping the piano.

I live for the day

2005-12-17T14:07:00.000-06:00

I've got time to watch you spin around in circles
Falling through the cracks inside your mind
That's fine
I've been through the darkest our made it to the other side of you
I can't live without you

I live for the day
I live for the night
That you will be desperate and dying inside
I live for the tears to fall down your face
I live for the words you finally say
I live for the day

You are high, thinking your invincable so busy building castles in the sky
Your done, and you don't even know it but your eyes have started showing that it's true
Trying to live without love

I want to see you crawling

I'm ready to wallow now.

oh my lordy

2005-12-16T15:07:00.000-06:00

This is from a guy I do NOT know. Random and funny and helps me hate men.

Hey Aly. How are u beautiful? Hopefully fine as u look. I just wanted u to know I could make up your mind for your orientation. I could make u straight or both ways. Anyway could I call u sometime sweet pea?

sad..so sad.

FYI:

Fosters home for imaginary friends..the character cheese. Funniest thing on earth!

I like cereal.

One more thing..
Go to this link. It's awesome and I think all girls should know about it and men should as well. Retouch.

You are the smell before rain

2005-12-15T12:54:00.000-06:00

For Brent:
This came on in the car and I thought it might touch your soul.

The boy who blocked his own shot-Brand New

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain.
You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

lips. mouth. teeth. tongue.

2005-12-15T09:51:00.000-06:00

I changed the layout up again. The comment set up was driving me slightly bonker-onkers on the other one. Yes..much better.

'Did someone mention cheese?'

I love this show and need more, I've watched this season much much much.

padunkadunk.

I think I'm punch drunk from being so sleepy.

I can tell you things nobody knows

2005-12-14T20:20:00.000-06:00

I don't feel well today. Girl problems and allergies. It has been a day full of resting, Gilmore Girls, chocolate, more resting, and feeling horrid. I'm a very sleepy girl and I think I need a hot lavender bubble bath, maybe some wine, and much rest and quiet.

I can tell you things nobody knows. I've been places nobody goes.

I relate

2005-12-14T13:36:00.000-06:00

The girl who was forgotten by absolutely everyone.

I'm exhausted on every level of my being. I want hugs and Gilmore Girls. I also want people that love me.

2005-12-12T18:29:00.000-06:00

I am going to drink you out of my head and spin this day away.

Did you ever love me?

Birthdays

2005-12-12T17:04:00.000-06:00

I don't have good birthdays. Never have. I've been alone all day today and that doesn't suprise me. No one sent a card. Only 2 people called. Everyone has something more important going on. I keep getting told my 20's will be better than my teens were. I don't know if I believe that..I do believe I'm getting drunk tonight. If only I had something harder than wine.

Cheer me up.

where soul meets body

2005-12-11T21:13:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday in 2 hours and 45 mins. Just thought I would share that.

Some Say

2005-12-09T15:58:00.000-06:00

Some say we're never meant to grow up
I'm sure they never knew enough
I know the pressures won't go away
It's too late

Find out the difference somehow
It's too late to even have faith
Don't think things will ever change
You must be dreaming

Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Believe me 'cause now's the time to try
Don't wait, the chance will pass you by
Time's up to figure it out
You can't say it's too late

Seems like everything we knew
Turned out were never even true
Don't trust, things will ever change
You must be dreaming

Some say we're better off without
Knowing what life is all about
I'm sure they'll never realise the way
It's too late

Somehow it's different everyday
In some ways it never fades away
Seems like it's never gonna change
I must be dreaming

Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
Think before you make up your mind
You don't seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I'll take it all
It's so easy after all

Believe me, it's alright
It's so easy after all
Believe me, it's alright
It's so easy after all

Black Roses

2005-12-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away

Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me

Can you turn my black roses red?
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love

Can you turn my black roses red?
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love until it fades

Lets go back to the start

2005-12-08T20:37:00.000-06:00

Some people are not even human. The things that some people are capable with doing and having a clear conciense is amazing. Yet these same people wonder why I do self distructive things.

No one cares enough to save me. I don't even want to call the help line or my therapist. It's pointless to stop myself. I would rather dull the pain than talk about it.

ICE ICE BABY

2005-12-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

its cold, incase you didn't notice.

Pretties

2005-12-07T16:14:00.000-06:00

New layout. I love it. It's girly, dreamy, and clean. Not to flashy where you are so distracted by the layout to read the posts. Tell me what you think!

My Future

2005-12-05T18:41:00.000-06:00

My future will be spent with those who want me
not with those who constantly seek to leave me

My future will be spent with those who believe in me
not those who seek ways to disprove me

My future will be spent with those support me
not those who seek support from others

My future will be spent with those who appreciate me
not those who take all I have then call themselves poor

My future will be spent with those who love me
not with those who are lonely in my presence

My future will be spent with those who lift me up
not with those whom I correctly anticipate hurting me

My future will be spent with those who make me bloom
not with those who cast me in their shadow

My Future will be spent with those who want to be with me
not with those who seek to exclude me

If you were me

2005-12-04T00:04:00.000-06:00

You were the one thing that one thing that I could count on
You were my everything
And then I found out that we meant nothing from someone on the street
And I never saw it coming never saw it coming
No I never saw it coming never saw something
I believed all the things you said I believed in you

If you were me would you push you?
Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you
Would you cry out would u break down?
Would you wait for karma to come around?
Would you give up?
Would it be enough
To make you never ever wanna be in love
What would you do, what would u do if you were me?
Would it be through?

I dont know whats left to talk about but I found it hard to leave
With us so closure how could you want her
When you were still with me

And I never saw it coming never saw it coming
No I never saw it coming never saw something
I believe all the things you said I believed in you

If you where me would you push you
Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you
Would you cry out would u break down?
Would u wait for karma to come around?
Would u give up?
Would it be enough?
To make you never ever wanna be in love
What would you do what would u do if you were me?
Would it be through?

You turned something so good so bad
Threw out all the things we had
Put yourself in my shoes it?s sad
I believed all the things that you said I believed in you

If you where me would you push you
Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you
Would you cry out would u break down?
Would u wait for karma to come around?
Would u give up?
Would it be enough?
To make you never ever wanna be in love
What would you do what would u do if you were me?
Would it be through?

Would it be through?

What would u do if you where me
If you were me what would you do?

Aww no

2005-11-29T16:11:00.000-06:00

This is so sad.
Berenstain Bears Author Dies at 82.