the dumbing down of love

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Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Everytime I let my guard down with my mother because she has been in a semi-decent mood this happens. I treat her like I should a mother and ask for advice on something or just talk about something going on in my life. She then promptly slams me and tells me how wrong I am. Most often when she says these things, she is so far off that I wonder if she has even met me.
Today it was simply the question of if something my best friend has always told me to do is right or not. My best friend has always told me that if I want to go somewhere or go visit someone to just go. If they are my friend they will not mind. Well my mom flipped it into this whole thing of me apparently 'throwing myself' and someone and 'stalking' them. Basically making me feel like a idiotic whore with an extra side of crazy.
Not everything I do is fucked up, and not everything I do is wrong. I make mistakes yes, but how will I learn if I don't. I'm not going to be like her, keeping myself and my heart so closed off that not even my children can love me. I refuse to be that way. If this causes me pain then so be it. I can't be her, and I can't be her everything anymore.

Alysa [ 3:15 PM ]

7 Comments:

I hope you sleep well, maybe extra well

By Anonymous, at 1:24 AM
i like the new layout.
about your mum: a very close friend of mine has a similar relationship with her mother. her mother

never seems to see the good in her and is never satisfied. my friend is a good and sensitive

person, like you are. so, she found another "mother", another older woman in her life she can

confide in and be encouraged by. Can you do that too? Is there somebody else, an older friend, a
teacher, an aunt you can trust?
it has worked for my friend and she has accepted she can't have a really meaningful relationship
with her mother. so she is kind but keeps her distance. Parents are often wrong, i know because i
am one.

By Anonymous, at 6:00 AM
I HAVE A SIMILAR RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER; IT IS NEVER EASY. LET US KNOW HOW THIS GOES.

By Anonymous, at 9:33 AM
brent:
Yes I slept good, I didn't get to sleep till 4 but that was from pain.

chloe:
Thanks :) My mom seems to randomly see the good in me. She will be great and tell me I can do anything and then about an hour later she flips into psycho lady. I don't have anybody as of right now that could fill that mother roll. I have older friends but none that would step into that type a roll. It's a good idea tho.

Cathy:
I'll post about it more often I think. I usually don't because it seems wrong for some reason but this is MY blog so I will do what I please :) Thanks for your support hun.

By Alysa, at 2:45 PM
Starfish;
Any time.

By Anonymous, at 7:43 PM
Star -I think all parents are like that at some point. In the end we pretty much turn into them though. :)

Wow, that's something to look forward to eh? :)

By Anonymous, at 7:49 PM
Neo:
I get that all parents have their problems but my mother kind of takes it above and beyond. She can be utterly cruel sometimes and for no reason.

and I will not be like her.

By Alysa, at 7:55 PM