the dumbing down of love

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Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Monday, December 19, 2005

Some of you kind of seemed interested in the problems I have with my mother. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail about the things she has done and continues to do. I will tell you that she has done her best to keep me down most of my life. If I wasn't doing something, she yelled at me to do what she thought was best. Then when I would do what she was yelling at me about, she would flip out about that and tell me I will never be able to do it. She lies and keeps things from me. She also demeans and belittles me in front of others.
I love my mother, and I have done everything I can for her. I put my life on hold to help her last year when she had open heart surgery. I held her hair for her when I was little and she was throwing up from drinking to much. I did everything she asked. From the time my father left us, she always told me everything and treated me like an equal and a partner. She suddenly changed all that when I got to be about 13 and started speaking my mind more than I already did.
I can't make her happy. Which even she admits. I recently asked her what she would do when I move out, who would she yell at and blame everything on? She said she would yell at the dogs. I think that lets you know the position I am in. I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't place. I know I am moving out as soon as I possibly can and I know this will be an ultimatum to my mother. It will be me abandoning her, me breaking her heart, and my freedom.

I am doing everything in my power to fix my life and fix myself. I am in therapy for things I don't care to go into at the moment. I plan to go back to school and get a good job and moving out. I have plans for myself, I don't tell anyone about them accept for maybe two people. Those plans are like my secret right now, when I tell others they tell me what I can't do, not what I can.
I'm walking away from people who hurt me, don't believe in me, and constantly seek to leave me. It's incredibly painful and I'm struggling through all of this mess but I fully plan on coming out the other side, glowing and stronger. Goodbye to you by Michelle Branch has become my theme song for this month. This next year possibly too.
Anyways, this is possibly one of the more personal posts I have ever done. I am going to cut it off here and go back to relaxing. If you [being whoever is reading this] want to know more about me, just ask. I don't mind sharing my life, but I am learning to keep more things close to me unless asked. So ask if you wish :)

Edit::
I just went into my mothers room to ask for some asprin stuff because I hurt my back. Immediatly it went into why I could never go through beauty school. And why she thinks I could never make it. Lovely yes?

Alysa [ 7:57 PM ]

4 Comments:

Hi ya! Life sometimes as been a cold cuppa and you have to be strong. At times we need to move on to elsewhere and be ourself and be at peace. We all need to grow up a little, even parents.

Here's hoping your life improves in the new year, making a successful path for yourself. Cheers!

By Anonymous, at 5:13 AM
Starfish;
You can and will do amazing things with your life. You write like a song and have a heart of pure gold. You can do whatever you set your mind to. Your mother has been disappointed in her life and says these things to you because she sees you as her reflection. She does not want you to be disappointed, like she has been. What she doesn't realize is that you don't need or want to hear these things. You are not her, nor will you ever be. You are young, vibrant, unique, and ready to come out the other side, ready to take on the world and prepare yourself to accomplish great things and fulfill your life's destiny. Believe in yourself, and dream big. Because dreams do come true.

By Anonymous, at 9:56 AM
Hey, thanks for the visit and comments. What do you mean that you only agree with most of what I said? Not all? How dare you!......................hopefuly the sarcasm is coming through! If not, I suck even worse than I thought.

I liked your blog as well, however I'm not oing to give you any advice or inundate you with platitudes. I'd feel funny doing that, given how my life can be such a bloody mess sometimes.

Stop back anytime. I'll try to keep you entertained!

By Anonymous, at 2:17 PM
JoeC:
thank you :)I'm thinking this year will be so much better.

Cathy:
Your comments always make me smile and make my day better. You have an amazing light that shines through on my dark days.

a.j:
Thanks for stopping by :) and yes the sarcasm came through!

By Alysa, at 8:18 PM