the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Back to the begining. Back to where I'm fighting to breathe. I did so good, I was winning the battle. I think the war caught up with me though. In square one, starting over from that scary and familiar place. New doctor, new meds, new rules and protocols. I'm desperate for normalcy, for that thing everyone but me seems to grasp so easily. It's not something easily explained, scars and bandages. It seems to anger people, smeared mascara and a blank stare. If you don't speak, anger, if you do speak, anger, if you disappear for a while, anger. How does that work? Why is it that people can say they care but scream at you for something you are not in control of.
I know with all that I have been through this will be long, painfull, and scary. I think I finally have the right help and, to be honest; I think that moving will help instead of hinder. I might freak in the weeks leading up to it but once I'm there I think it will be good. I can't send enough love to those that are there for me on a daily basis. My sister by adoption, Emily..I can't put into words how amazing us meeting was and is. You are perfection in the making, I love you with all my heart. Brent, even with the awkward and odd circumstances, I love you. You keep me safe when no one else will. I know it's a lot of pressure on you but I will remember this for the rest of my life and you will always be in my heart. Finally, Tiff, even though she will never read this. Instant and unbreakable bond is the only thing I can say about our relationship. I love her to death.
Lastly, to those of you on here who have showed interest and just tried to send me a message of hope. I will always be thankfull.

Drugs stopped working when I was born
But all the fairy dust I breathe
Is doing nothing to relieve
The strife of broken Autumn leaves in the sand

I'm still high on the music
As my inner child cries
For she may lose it

And the incense in my eyes
Can't save the sin between your thighs
Because you stabbed me with your lies
You're not the only one that's broken

Whore, fuck your drugs
I introduced you anyway
You're a slave
Spun undone, I met you in an alleyway
And I'm never okay

Cos I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together
I'm pretending like I'm keeping it together

My bones are scratched and so forlorn
And all the Prozac that I take
Is only lulling me to make up
This forced smile that is fake for all the doctors
But I'll get by

Alysa [ 11:41 PM ]

3 Comments:

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

By Anonymous, at 12:57 PM
Alysa;
I was sad to read this. I sensed that there might be something wrong. Do you best, hang in there. Stay strong. Believe in yourself. You are a beautiful soul. Let yourself be healed.
xoxoxoxoxoxo

By Anonymous, at 5:41 PM
Alysa, i know you'll get by, and you'll get better. i know you will feel peaceful and happy one day. I don't know why you have to go through this first though.
Many hugs, xxx

By Anonymous, at 9:07 AM