the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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February 2005
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Current Posts

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I will never think of last night as a mistake. I might wonder if it made things worse but never a mistake. You didn’t hesitate this time. Not even to kiss me. No hesitation to tell me lovely things or to touch me in beautiful ways. I was yours and you were mine. Even if only for an instant, a small block of time, you said we again. For what it seems like forever it has been you and I, me, you, but rarely more. It tugged at my heart to hear us and we. You were different when I saw you in the light after. Maybe it was your smile or the light in your eyes. Maybe it was the antihistamines. Maybe it was me. Most likely it was me. The light turned off so quickly. I questioned me staying and the tiny lights in those eyes flicked off. What would have happened? What if I had just smiled and let you kiss me more and said yes tea would be great? It wouldn’t have made you love me or think of me at night the way I do of you. What does she have? Before and after me, why is she so much better? Why does she deserve your love? It makes me feel sick to wonder these things. My stomach churns and my heart back beats to know that I question myself because of you. Beauty, I don’t question that. I’ve seen pictures and feel confident I’m the best you’ve had. I can still make you want me. Did you ever want my heart? I made a wish for you everyday, sometimes twice. 11:11. I want him to call. I want him to love me. I want him next to me. I don’t want him to break my heart. You you you you you you. 11:12. I remember our first date. I remember you reaching across the table for my hand and giving it to you willingly. I remember the butterflies, hand dancing, you trying to kiss me, Kerby Lane, and the blisters I got from us walking in circles for hours. Every time we would reach the same point I would ask if you wanted to keep going. You kept saying yes and holding my hand. Then you kissed me on Halloween. That’s when we peaked. That’s when I knew. It was all in that kiss. Our story. You wrote that you miss me, followed by things of my replacement. That sums things up so nicely, in a neat little package with a sad little bow. I miss you. I love you. And I don’t want to be with you. Stay the night. I hate hurting you. There’s some one else. I gave you all of me and some things I can’t take back. You gave me jewelry and some cash for therapy to fix what you helped to break. Now it’s my turn. I miss you. I love you. And there’s some one else.

Alysa [ 5:10 PM ] | 1 comments

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I want to drown. To just slip away into the nothing. All pain gone, all memories, all thoughts and worries. Everything gone. Cutting. Pills. Extra hot showers and baths. Alcohol. They all make everything dull, muted. Disconnected child. Girl. Woman. Her. It. She. All things grey. All I have ever wanted is arms to hold me back. Back from the dark, back from the pain, back from self distraction. Self implosion. Go back to numb, go back to dreamland. Walls, walls, walls. Protection. Pain. It's all the same. Drift away. Gone.

Alysa [ 12:26 AM ] | 2 comments

Friday, September 23, 2005

I don’t know you anymore. Even others don’t recognize your actions as your own. I need to figure out money. I’m in a crunch. I need money for doctors, food, gas, and now clothes for work and shoes as well. I didn’t expect them to have changed the wardrobe right before I start so now I have to be beyond creative with my clothing choices. I miss you and want to tell you everything about my day. I also want food. I think the food wins.

Alysa [ 12:49 PM ] | 0 comments

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

no one cares. i mean nothing.

Alysa [ 11:13 PM ] | 0 comments

I used to get away with so much
Now I can't get away
I even thought that it was simple
To say the things I wanted to say
And you told me everything I wanted to hear
And you sold me
Now I don't know how I should feel
I should know me
And baby, you would think I knew better

I'm finding my way back to you
And everything I used to be
And waiting is all that I can do
Until you find your way back to me

What if I said what I was thinking?
What if that says too much?
When everybody's got a reason
I feel like giving up
And you told me, everything I wanted to hear
And you sold me
Now I don't know how I should feel
I should know me
And baby, you would think I knew better

I'm finding my way back to you
And everything I used to be
And waiting is all that I can do
Until you find your way back to me

Until you find your way back to me
Oh, Until you find your way back to me

I used to get away with so much

I'm finding my way back to you
And everything I used to be
And waiting is all that I can do
Until you find your way back to me

And waitin' is all that I can do
Until you find your way back to me

I used to get away with so much...

Alysa [ 2:30 PM ] | 0 comments

Friday, September 16, 2005

Life flip flops sometimes. The people you are used to being there are gone and the ones who you normally don’t rely on become your support system. I love all the people in my life but a handful of them are not here for me in a difficult time. Others are, and they aren’t the ones I’m used to trusting. It’s confusing but good. The one person I wish I had still is my mom, she hasn’t always been the most stable person but she has always put me first and taken care of me. Where did that lady go? Instead I have this selfish, insulting, demeaning woman. I want my mommy back. Then there is the one, that one person you see like guiding light in pitch black. I thank that one with all my heart and soul and love them with all of my being.

I’m going to go read now.

Alysa [ 2:27 PM ] | 0 comments

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

They've clipped my wings again
tore them apart and then
left me
No use to fly away to
my yesterday
of freedom
My eyes died back that day
seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat my instead of them
pain is my only zen
of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong singing a song
blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
there is no right to heal the wronge
soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i evan want to try

You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly
down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without
a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
above

I'll go where secrets are sold
where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
blood on my hands to stay strong
the flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
there is no right to heal the wronge
soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I evan want to try

Alysa [ 5:17 PM ] | 1 comments

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Hair.
Nails.
Make up.
Bubble bath.
Friends.
Tv.
Music.
Reading.
All done.

Nothing helps.

Alysa [ 5:42 PM ] | 0 comments

I figured instead of burdening people with my problems that I would write here when I have the urge to do something I shouldn’t. It’s exhausting trying to keep my brain occupied on something else all day and night. I pretty much enjoy the chance to hang out with some one because it takes some of the pressure off of me to keep it together. Well not anyone will do, I’m avoiding certain ones that annoy me or that I can’t talk to. I need a hug.

Alysa [ 2:55 PM ] | 0 comments

Monday, September 12, 2005

I can't breathe again.
My jaw and teeth hurt from clenching.
Tea, baths, meditation, music.
I need you. You save me.

Alysa [ 8:36 PM ] | 0 comments

I haven't used this in a long while. I need somewhere to write things down, and sending them out into the universe seems better than just keeping it in a spiral by my bed.
I've lost my footing again. Slipped, fallen, lost, and alone. I have never felt truly alone in my life, I'm not saying I haven't had bad points, but I always had this comforting thought in the back of my head that someone is there. Where did that go? I've messed up. I need someone's arms to keep me from harming me. I wait..and wait..and hold my breath and hope. No one comes.

Alysa [ 5:04 PM ] | 0 comments