the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

Dailies

Wapsi Square
Natalie Dee
Questionable Content
Bag Lady
Shiny Shiny
Catwalk Queen
Sassy Bella
Post Secret
Childrin R Skary
Rocketboom
Pixl Girl

Go Read

Emily
Brent
Cathy
Chloe
Michael Verdi
MissB
Natalie Dee
Michelle
Riskybiz
Kain

A lot like love
breathe
because of you
bleh blech blechness
and sugar we're going down
Happy New Year
undiscovered
if it's alright i'll wait here till morning
Talk about the weather
ha!

The Archives

Monday, January 16, 2006

The past several days have been a blur. As most of you know that read this, the past month or so have been insane and hard. Just in the past week I have been going back to basics. Learning how to breathe again, meditation, music and reading, tons less television and junk food. It was keeping me sane during the waking hours. Night time though, has been hell. I turn off the lights and lay down and all of these images and thoughts flood my mind. Images from my rape, thoughs of my mom dying or kicking me out, horrible things that happened in my childhood, they just all flash like a bad movie. I try to stop them but they just keep coming, so I drug myself and try to sleep. Not even that has worked. I didn't have this happen last night, someone was next to me, breathing deeply and staying close. I forgot how much that helps, especially with the scarier images. But that can't be normal, I can't have that every day and night. I know I have abandoment issues, but I think the rape, my mom, cutting, and just past events have made it even worse. I cry when people leave me because I am so scared of myself and my own head. This is no ones problem but my own, I don't try to put it on anyone anymore. If they have to leave or just want to, I won't say different like I used to.
And something happened, I don't want to say what. But it scared me more than I ever could have expected. I didn't know that my brain and my body would respond like it did. This is just all so confusing. But in spite of the stream of tears I have going at the moment, I know what needs to be done.
1. Keep reading, meditating, and doing ballet.
2. Go to therapy on Wed. and the crisis center on Thurs.
3. Start planning how contacting my father will go.
4. Don't feel guilty for any of this, I can't control what's happening in my brain and what others do. If I feel it, it's real. I'm not overreacting.

That's all I have for now. I do want to leave you with a question:
Have you ever been sitting somewhere, minding your own business, and a song came on that sounded like they were talking directly to you?

Alysa [ 4:59 PM ]

8 Comments:

To answer your question, Yep. It's usually when I'm feeling my worst. Why is that? Why can't a stupid song like "I'm walkin' on sunshine" be reflective of my life? I get Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt" speaking to me. I suppose that's what makes it a good song. Most good art comes out of suffering anyway, and I'm not saying that trying to be the "melodramatic artist". I've been making and studying this stuff for years, and it's usually true to one extent or the other.

By Anonymous, at 6:22 PM
A.J:
It would be lovely to have the more upbeat silly songs reflect my emotions. The song that happened to do all of this to me is "golden" by switchfoot. I had my mp3 player on random and it just came on, and it took all the air out of me.

I hope that you get to have your happy song sometime soon.

By Alysa, at 6:30 PM
Alysa;
Your list of goals are good ones. Just keep holding on, stay focused and think about what you want to be; how can you work towards being the kind of person you would admire? There is a path for you. You will never forget the things that have happened to you, but you can still live a happy life, not allowing yourself to be defined by those events. They are not who you are. You are who you are; open and sharing, compassionate and human. Find your path and travel it with wisdom.
xoxo

By Anonymous, at 7:03 PM
Hey, a very trying time for ya. Songs do mean something in the right time and at the right place with the right situation. Just the other day, was cruising with my best mate and Crazytown CD was playing almost very track they have is about breakups, to me it's just nice cruising tracks BUT to my mate, it was like a loud speaker telling him to move on and stop wasting time over some two bit chick. I have to change to another CD cuz it's just getting to him.

Perhaps, you should also look into putting a little faith in Him, if that's something you can do. Seek help from church members. I've not been in the situation as you have but I was is in a very hopeless and lost time during my school days, it's like free falling in the dark but then I turn to Him and asked for His guidance and strength. I hope you can sort things out over time, never loose hope. Cheers!

By Anonymous, at 7:11 PM
Cathy:
Your comments always make me feel better.I'm not sure what else to say but that and thank you.

JoeC:
My therapist is thru my church. And I'm getting involved in the new youth group they are putting together. My faith is the only reason I'm still alive today. I know I'm going through everything I am for a reason, it's just hard to hold on till I get to that reason. Thank you for your words of hope though.

By Alysa, at 7:26 PM
Good to know that you have your faith in the right place. You are a smart girl, I'm sure you can work things out, one step at a time. Cheers!

By Anonymous, at 7:35 PM
Wish i could just hug you now. Everything you've written is so spot on....your on your way to finding the real you. I can't reinforce enough how important it is to remember those 4 main points. Remember to love yourself :) your worth loving.

By Anonymous, at 7:43 PM
Michelle:
A hug would be lovely. I've been fighting so hard to keep those points and love myself, people don't want me to be okay it seems. They call me names for standing up for what I need. It's hard but I'm doing it. Thanks for everything.

By Alysa, at 7:50 PM