the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat me instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong singing a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above

Suicide watch is the best way to describe the past week or two. I'm not left alone very much, well technically. Even if I'm alone someone calls or something to check on me often. All medications in the house have been either hidden from me or just disappeared. Tonight I asked my mom for some over the counter sleep aid stuff..it's made by tylenol, not exactly strong stuff. She dumped some out into my hand and I started to go back to my room and she was like no count out how many you need and give me back the rest. I've hidden my razors because I'm scared they will be taken next. I haven't used them in a while but having them there is a comfort..I know if I start to overload and can't stop the falling then they are there. Even when no one else is.

My cat doesn't leave my side lately. She stays beside me. If I shower or take a bath she is waiting in my bathroom. If I go to the kitchen she follows and at night she has to sleep right beside me if not on top of me somewhere. She knows me better than anyone, and she's scared.

People keep asking me "what's wrong" and I can't answer that. I don't have one single thing I can say THAT right there is my problem. There just isn't one thing. The tiniest things set me off. Even the possibilities of things happening set me off. Today has been the first day people haven't checked on me. No ones called, my mom has left me alone, and I fake it. I smile and giggle and make jokes. No one notices.

I've had the question asked, what can people do to keep me from falling off the edge. What I react to, ect. The things I think of, I feel like I have no right to ask of people. It's not my place and that I just should deal. But then they do those things or I think of them doing those things and I can't breathe. I'm not sure what to do with that.

This is all just babbling, I'm out of it so I'm not sure if it really makes sense. The room is spinning so I'm going to try and rest.

I'd die without you. Without you, I'd die without you.

Alysa [ 10:40 PM ]

2 Comments:

throw away the razors and the pills please. Since we are friends, can i say, I've had my stomach pumped when i was about your age maybe.
and it's been a long time and many good things have happened since. So i swear, you'll be better. Just hold on, persevere. I now think about those times and okay, i don't exactly laugh, but i say to myself "you'll never die again"
you won't either.
and something else, i don't know much about your childhood but there came a point in my life when i got sick of being defined by my childhood and parents and all that. I thought, time to break free from that now. (they were great people,just didn't know how to handle me). So, please. :) xxx

By Anonymous, at 6:19 AM
Alysa;
I completely agree with Chloe; everything that could potentially harm you in any way: toss it all away.

You can always e-mail me. Always. I am here.

You are my bright light, hidden in there; I care.

I know the feeling when you do not even know yourself what you need or want. Just live in the moment. But live it.

xoxoxo
Cathy

By Anonymous, at 6:28 PM