the dumbing down of love

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Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Numb fades into confusion. I was ready to give up on you Sunday, watching you walk away the way that you did. Putting the razor in my hand and then going out with friends. I received the message loud and clear, don't worry anymore. You don't care, I am the past now. I should be more upset than I am, I should be something. I don't want to hate, I don't want to be broken, I don't want to hate you. You see me hit the ground and it's like a sick game to see how far I can be pushed. How far can I be pushed? Is the simple fact that while driving home I asked myself how much it would take to kill me, how many little white pills would it take for me to sleep for days. Is that bad? I don't even know anymore. This lyric keeps pounding in my head, you told me you need space with a kiss on the side of my face. I know I am not the only one that thinks how I do, that you can't tell someone you don't love them and don't want to be with them and then hold them and kiss them. It almost doesn't matter that you want her, whoever she is. I'm not sure if you will be happy, if she makes that happen, wonderful.
I want to cause you pain. Rip your heart into tiny bits and do a happy dance on them. Watch you clutching yourself in pain and smile and kiss you and say it's all okay. You never try to say you love me, or that you're sorry. Cold hearted. I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, I've had my share of closing doors, and I know I'm not afraid. I know exactly what you'll say and I'm sorry, it's to late. Maybe it's time for goodbye. Time for you to take my painting down, erase my pictures, erase me. Or lie awake and go over how much you fucked up. Ache for the way only I can touch you. Miss my smell, my smile, the way my fingertips hold you to me. I am this extreme force of nature, I can blow your mind. I make guys weak with just a look, I may act like I don't know this but I do. I chose not to use it. Men would kill to be where you have been. I know I don't have to work to get a date, or even a boyfriend, but I don't want one. I simply don't care.
I will forever question why you sabotaged us, why I never got the chance. You've offered explanations but lies fall out of your mouth. Little ransom notes for my heart.
Exhale. You push me away, another black day, run out of ways to count the reasons to cry. Look at what you've missed, living like this, nobody wins. You're just too caught up in who you are.

I'm done. Once again I have to be the grown up. No. Over. I'm done. Let me rest in pieces. Fuck. Over. Dunzo. Done.

Alysa [ 12:03 AM ]

4 Comments:

it doesn't take many white pills. and razors are all around the house. take it from someone who has been through these things at about your age or a bit older. But send these thoughts away. You are at a difficult age. It really gets better. That death wish we all carry, in fact gets better and can turn into a life force. I don't believe that boyfriends ever lead us to this. It's ours. It just manifests itself through them. But you have to believe: It gets much better. And you get to a point you tell yourself: I don't ever ever want to die.
xxx

By Anonymous, at 1:38 AM
Thank you Chloe. I'm proud of myself tonight, I didn't harm myself. I wrote this and I listened to music and took something to calm down. I don't want to die, I just don't have much energy to fight right now. I have therapy tomorrow and I'm going to meet up with some friends. Maybe a road trip. Thank you again, you're an amazing person for even caring about someone half way around the world that you don't even know.
xox,
Alysa

By Alysa, at 2:20 AM
Alysa;
I see that CHloe gave you some wise words of wisdom; I completely agree with her; her and I are coming from approximately the same age and it is not wisdom necessariy, but having been there; so to you I say hang in there. You are a life force, and amazing one. You know, we know and you will get to a point where you surround yourself by only those who are deserving of your love and affection.
xoxoxo

By Anonymous, at 10:35 AM
Cathy:
I'm doing okay, it may be denial, but I'm okay with this. Putting all of those thoughts to ink seems to have helped. It's his loss, and I know that. Thank you for everything.
xox
Alysa

By Alysa, at 12:15 PM