the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Friday, February 03, 2006

I can't sleep. I almost wish my phone hadn't rang, I hadn't heard it, missed call. I was so positive, so sure of myself. Walk away, I kept telling myself it's right. It's hard for me to think that when I remember how content and happy I was with how things were before you asked that horrid question from out of nowhere. Now I feel nauseated and I want to run. Just run as hard as I can. Or dance until my legs are shaking. I'm doing that thing, that tell tale sign that I'm not okay. Biting my lip so hard it hurts. Choking back that aching lump in my throat. I know I have said this before and I probably will again. Your brain lies but I see your heart. Words fly out at me like a million insects coming fast and hard but I always see something else shining at me from your eyes. I got scared yesterday, the thought of accepting an invitation for a date made my head spin. I can't do it now, not like this, it got me in a bad place last time. Give me a chance to show you how a woman like you should be treated. God why are those words so deceiving. I almost prefer the vulgar men who just say they want to fuck my brains out. There is nothing false about physical attraction, and that's all I seem to get. Even from you. I'm so beautiful, so sexy, so delicate and strong. I learned so early in life how to use that, how to smile and get my way. I swore off boys and dating before I even had my first kiss because I became an object. I hid my body under big sweatshirts and never wore make up and always had my hair up.

All I know right now is something in my heart isn't right. I know I can't rely on you but I'm not sure how to be without you. I keep thinking if I surround myself with more people, do more, have more, and then I won't care. It doesn't work. Why is that? Why can't I just say goodbye? Why can't I escape this gnawing feeling?

It's almost 4am. I should try and sleep again, try to block out your voice. Or perhaps I will shower and let the hot water wash away my tears. Breathe deep, brace yourself. It's another day.

Alysa [ 3:35 AM ]

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