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The Girl
Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr 
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Previous Posts
New So perfect from far Transference clean slate Viva Las Vegas I'm alive. Look at me, I'm a vlogger! Heartbeat Girl on the verge Betrayal
The Archives
February 2005March 2005 April 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 Current Posts |
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Today I had to call my new insurance company to get a refferal to a therapist. It's like policy for them to ask if you are in immediate danger. I had two options, lie and have them not take me seriously or tell the truth and put up with the "do I need to call an ambulance" speach. I chose the latter. I spent the next hour on the phone being treated like a 5 year old. There is something about mental health that makes people treat you like a child. It has left me exhausted and numb. People in my life scare me lately. No one can deal with me. If I tell them whats wrong they flip and get angry with me. If I don't tell them, they flip and get angry at me. I'm tired of this, all of this, and the scariest part is I'm not sure I have the energy to fix it. I'm going to cry, drug myself, and watch Sex and the City. Alysa [
9:02 PM ]
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7 comments
 
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Yesterday was Sierra's 1st birthday. I can't believe she's that old already, and she's talking and starting to walk. It made my day to hear her say dude. hah. Okay on the mommy note, I had a convo on the way to the airport about Arthur. What the heck is he? A camel? A peanut? A scary hybrid of both? Someone out there is bound to know and can tell me. On Rocketboom today, there is a piece about Subservient Chicken. It's one of those things you always wonder who had that amount of time on their hands and what posessed them to make it. Well, I know now and am kind of amused that the people live in the same town as me. hehe. I might update some more later, but for now I need to go to the store. Alysa [
12:44 PM ]
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0 comments
Friday, March 17, 2006
 Tomorrow is a birthday party for my niece [10] and nephew [6] at a local mini golf/go kart/video arcade/pizza place. I still haven't decided if I'm going or not. That might be far to many kids for me. Plus things are super tense in my family right now. I guess we will find out how I feel in the morning though. Oh and before I forget. Happy Birthday Brent. :) Alysa [
5:34 PM ]
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4 comments
Thursday, March 16, 2006
 I was cleaning some things off of my desktop, since I'm not on this computer that much anymore. I found a folder of stuff from my ex, first love and all. I started to cry, I miss him. Not in a romantic way. We remained really close after we broke up, really close. But for some reason around thanksgiving this past year, he quit talking to me. Not just me, pretty much everyone. He's a dad now. I don't even know what's going on in his life. I'm friends with some of his friends and family and they don't even hear from him. Maybe I'll get lucky and he will read this and atleast email me. I really need to get away from Austin for a while. There is so much around me that is keeping me down, I just want out. I've lost my mind in wanderlust Alysa [
11:07 PM ]
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0 comments
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
 I haven't been sleeping very much, if at all. My mind just won't shut down, or the room spins. I did really good for 2 weeks and then last night I just, couldn't. I passed that point where something can distract me or anchor me to earth. I had to, or it would have been worse. I've had two lyrics stuck in my head all week. One: I will lie awake. Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you. Let you fall for every empty word I say. Two: Am I so sick in the head I need to bled dry to quit. Or I just really used to love him. I sure hope that's it. Alysa [
9:27 PM ]
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1 comments
Monday, March 13, 2006
 I'm heavily broken And I don't know what to do It just seems like I'm choking And I can't even move When there's nothing left to say What can you do? I'm heavily broken And there's nothing I can do Feels like I'm drowning I'm screaming for air Louder I'm crying And you don't even care Alysa [
1:40 AM ]
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1 comments
Saturday, March 11, 2006
They've clipped my wings again Suicide watch is the best way to describe the past week or two. I'm not left alone very much, well technically. Even if I'm alone someone calls or something to check on me often. All medications in the house have been either hidden from me or just disappeared. Tonight I asked my mom for some over the counter sleep aid stuff..it's made by tylenol, not exactly strong stuff. She dumped some out into my hand and I started to go back to my room and she was like no count out how many you need and give me back the rest. I've hidden my razors because I'm scared they will be taken next. I haven't used them in a while but having them there is a comfort..I know if I start to overload and can't stop the falling then they are there. Even when no one else is.  My cat doesn't leave my side lately. She stays beside me. If I shower or take a bath she is waiting in my bathroom. If I go to the kitchen she follows and at night she has to sleep right beside me if not on top of me somewhere. She knows me better than anyone, and she's scared.  People keep asking me "what's wrong" and I can't answer that. I don't have one single thing I can say THAT right there is my problem. There just isn't one thing. The tiniest things set me off. Even the possibilities of things happening set me off. Today has been the first day people haven't checked on me. No ones called, my mom has left me alone, and I fake it. I smile and giggle and make jokes. No one notices.  I've had the question asked, what can people do to keep me from falling off the edge. What I react to, ect. The things I think of, I feel like I have no right to ask of people. It's not my place and that I just should deal. But then they do those things or I think of them doing those things and I can't breathe. I'm not sure what to do with that.  This is all just babbling, I'm out of it so I'm not sure if it really makes sense. The room is spinning so I'm going to try and rest.  I'd die without you. Without you, I'd die without you. Alysa [
10:40 PM ]
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2 comments
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Into the woods, into the dark.Waiting for someone to come. You show up to comfort and protect me from the night. Then you're gone. No hand guiding me out, no flashlight, not even breadcrumbs. So in the woods I stay, fighting another night. Fighting for my life. And doing so for reasons I don't believe. Lies float around, making it hard to breathe. Those lies and unsaid truths damn me. Knowing you are willing to hurt the one you claim to be saving. So tired of fighting. Into the dark, into the woods. Alysa [
8:22 AM ]
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1 comments
Monday, March 06, 2006
 I saw you cry today The pain may fill you I saw you shy away The pain will not kill you You made me smile today You spoke with many voices We travelled miles today Shared expressions voiceless It has to end Living in your head Without anything to numb you Living on the edge Without anything to numb you It has to end to begin Began an end today Gave and got given You made a friend today Kindred soul cracked spirit It has to end to begin Living in your head Without anything to numb you Living on the edge Without anything to numb you It had to end to begin Living in your head Without anything to numb you Living on the edge Without anything to numb you it has begun Alysa [
5:06 PM ]
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2 comments
Thursday, March 02, 2006
 I recieved a package from Cathy today. It made my day to see it, and everything in there was just so me. In case the picture is fuzzy here is what she sent: Songs from the great white north [which she made], a beautiful bookmark, post its [addiction], an adorable little note pad that says 'the world needs more Canada', a pen that says 'i love canada', and a lovely card. So, even though I already said so, thank you :) I will be out of town for a few days so I won't be able to update or check up on anything. Part of me is looking forward to the trip but only the driving part. Being alone in my car with the stereo blasting, the family part could be non existent. For now though, I must go. I need to get to bed and those sorts of things so I am not a zombie girl tomorrow. EDIT Not going out of town. My moms first husband and the father of my siblings has taken a turn for the worst. I'm sticking around to help out with what I can. Not that I really can, but yea. |