the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

"Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves."

I'm watching Rent and if you haven't seen this movie, I highly reccomend you go get it now and do so. I really connect with the character Mimi. I love it.
Last weekend was the Mercy Street Music Festival at my church. It was amazing. We collected so much canned goods that the food bank had to make several trips. Plumb was...astounding. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. Every song gave me chills but when she sang Cut, I lost it. I had to curl up in my seat to keep my body from shaking and my mom was holding my hand and crying too. I already loved that song but seeing her sing it live, litterally 3 feet from me was just, wow. The other band Wideawake, was just pure high energy and sexy rock-ness. The music was awesome but that lead singer smiling down at me and winking was just fun.
The most awkward part of that day was the fact that my ass was on thousands of flyers all over the festival. The weekend before I was asked if I could be in a picture, it was supposed to be from the knees down. They wanted to show the diversity of people through our shoes. I was like yea awesome. Well, turns out they liked the wider shot and my ass was the only one facing the camera. I had a guy come up and ask if I could autograph my butt. Hah, it was weird.
I'm still not okay, and I know most of you don't want to hear about it so I will keep things light and fluffy if I can. For now, back to Rent.

"But I Know Blue. Only Blue,Lonely Blue. Within Me, Blue. Without You"

Alysa [ 11:46 PM ] | 4 comments

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Alysa [ 5:38 AM ] | 1 comments

Saturday, February 18, 2006

The room heaves, expanding then shrinking.
My eyes lose focus making everything a blur of colors.
I stop, wait, trying to breathe slowly. 1 2 3 4 5.
Skin that doesn't feel like it should.
Dying, waiting for someone to save me.
I plead for anyone to pull me back.
My saving grace never comes, I lock the door.
Lock door, turn on stereo so loud it pulses in my screaming veins.
1 2 3 4 5
Lump in the throat, cold in the heart, tears in the eyes.
My bed spins, close my eyes count to 5, open.
My room jumps then rights itself and my bed feels unsteady.
Stop. Call someone. Reach out just one more time.
What do you know? No one cares, no one will drop what they are doing to help you.
Stupid girl. There are much more important things than you.
Don't you see how easy it is for people to walk away?
Idiotic girl. Holding your breath for a white night.
Black is all you get, and red.
Watching someone sing what you feel everyday, telling the people around you your secret.
They won't get it, girl. Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop thinking someone cares.
Just stop. No one will pull you back, don't be so fucking naive.
Do it, get it over with so that the room will return to normal and that sudden exhaustion can take over.
Girl, you are too much to handle. Everyone says it, thinks it, feels it, knows it. Let them feel the relief.
End it, with a gasp and a tear.
Stupid girl.

Alysa [ 8:04 PM ] | 2 comments

Friday, February 17, 2006

I was doing good to smile and have my make up done. I was doing good wearing my hair curly in a romantic sort of fashion and I didn't cry. All it takes is one person I can't lie to asking me if I'm alright and that whole illusion is broken. I got almost no sleep, crying from around midnight till 5am. Then dreams of crying and waking up to more tears. I hate the lump in my throat.
I asked my mom yesterday to leave me the debit card so I could put gas in my car to get to my hair appointment today. She didn't and because of the state I'm in it made me freak out more. I don't have enough gas to make it to her work, not in the strong wind and up hill. On a normal weather day, possibly. Not today.
I'm going to try and eat now and get dressed for my day. Oh, and if you are wondering, the art I'm using is from www.kurthalsey.com. I love his work.

Alysa [ 10:31 AM ] | 2 comments

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Chris and Marissa had their baby. Tara Marie was born on the 15th at a healthy 7lbs 3oz. I'm so excited for them.
Sometimes I think my mom is missing that filter in her brain that says "I shouldn't say this. No, don't, shut up". I was talking to her about my friend Tiffany's marriage. They have this thing where they think that since they are married they need to spend every second together. I know it's not logical for that to be since that just isn't so. Between work and kids and household chores there just isn't a lot of time. But I was telling my mom all of this and was venting about how I get annoyed with how messed up Tiff's point of view is. She came back at me with she doesn't think mine is any better. It was just offending. I was also telling her about everyone that is going to try to make it to the Mercy Street Festival on Saturday. I told her I invited my brother and his wife and son. She immediately went into this "Oh I don't even bother inviting my kids places because they are always busy." I was like it's not like they do it on purpose but I so badly wanted to follow that up with you will never even give the relationships a chance if you don't try. I knew that my brother and sister would be busy. They both have kids and jobs and tons of family and rodeo stuff to do. I still call and ask though, they appreciate it so much..just to know I'm okay and all that's going on. She pushes and pushes until everyone just leaves her alone. That's what she says she wants but then the flip side it hurts her. She's doing the same to me and it breaks my heart.
When we were talking about the Mercy Street Festival she said that she was going to go look at townhomes because that's more important. She was looking at me like she expected me to say 'Oh, I'll go with you.' but I was like I'm not going, I have waited over 2 months for this concert and I'm going. She was like that's fine but I know this is more important than a concert. I need this weekend though. A full day of friends, music, awesome local food and the next day full of relaxing and church. I'm not letting her take that away.
I'm going to stop writing for now, I'm going to rest. I hope all is well with you.

Alysa [ 8:16 PM ] | 1 comments

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I hate today so I'm not going to be all lovey and ooh and ahh over the wonderful thing that is heart day. Just ain't going to happen folks, sorry.
On the moving and home search front, we have looked at several places and now are enlisting the help of a local agency. The one we really want is a 2 story duplex in south central Austin. It's 15 mins from my moms work, 5-10 mins from downtown, and 15 mins or so from campus. It's 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a carport and attic space. The best thing is that one bedroom is upstairs and the other is downstairs, which makes for privacy. One won't be available till late March but keep your fingers crossed.
My bestest buddy in the world found out she is having another baby girl today. She already has a daughter that will be 1 next month, but this is the first with her husband. Also my bestest guy buddy's girlfriend went into labor earlier today. It's baby day or something, weird.
Also, the leader of the group I work with at youth group thinks I need to "take leave". I let her know what all is going on with the moving and extreme money shortage and she thinks that worrying about calling kids and taking them out is just added stress. Her thought is I transfer to the Greeting Team for a while. I don't want to frankly, but I'm going to email the youth pastor tomorrow and get his advice.
Now on with my anti-valentines day. I had chilli cheese fries, I'm watching gilmore girls and after this I plan to have some rum and watch every girly movie I own. Or atleast I will attempt this, it will all depend on how much rum I drink. Don't judge, I have no romance.

Alysa [ 7:16 PM ] | 4 comments

Friday, February 10, 2006

So I'm moving. My mom and I start looking at places tomorrow. I've had to suspend my therapy, which didn't please my therapist. I finally have my fathers number. Now I just need to gather the courage to call, considering I haven't heard from him in almost 6 years. A lot of people don't fully grasp why it's a huge deal to call my dad and ask for help. If it was just about my dad, I would be fine, but there's more. And if that bleached blonde tacky dressed chain smoking more talks to me I might hurt her.
I have a lot going on and lots to think about. I'll try to update more soon.

"So speak to me, when all you have to keep is strong, move along move along like I know you're to. And even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through."

Alysa [ 3:16 PM ] | 3 comments

Monday, February 06, 2006

I have put off updating but there are some of you I know would like to hear what's going on. For about 3 months or so my mother has been in the process of filing bankruptcy. When she started all of this, she reassured me I would not lose my home or any of my belongings. Well yesterday morning before church, I was helping her curl her hair and suddenly I was Iraq and she was George W. Bush. She very casually let me know that we might lose the house. She goes to court on Thursday to find out. So that gives me a whole 4 days to get used to the idea. She has known about this for weeks if not months and has been apartment/townhome searching. If you read this regularly you know that the one major thing I need in my life is stability. Well how about losing your home for the past 4 years for stable? Oh and to top off this lovely pile of crap, I may not have electricity soon. Wait, not done. Groceries are apparently now a luxury. Then, this morning at 8 my cell kept going off. I was kind of out of it and didn't really hear it the first time, the second time I heard it and answered. It was my mom saying I need to come get her, I asked where she was and she said Seton Hospital. My heart dropped into my stomach and then she clarified that her car broke down right by it. So now I might lose my home, I have my car only on certain conditions, and all stability is gone.

I will keep you updated as long as I have internet access, if that goes away it will be more sporadic. I hope you all are okay and having a beautiful day.

Alysa [ 1:32 PM ] | 5 comments

Friday, February 03, 2006

What you did to me made me see myself something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turn yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself something awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been out-bidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well

Alysa [ 5:41 PM ] | 5 comments

I can't sleep. I almost wish my phone hadn't rang, I hadn't heard it, missed call. I was so positive, so sure of myself. Walk away, I kept telling myself it's right. It's hard for me to think that when I remember how content and happy I was with how things were before you asked that horrid question from out of nowhere. Now I feel nauseated and I want to run. Just run as hard as I can. Or dance until my legs are shaking. I'm doing that thing, that tell tale sign that I'm not okay. Biting my lip so hard it hurts. Choking back that aching lump in my throat. I know I have said this before and I probably will again. Your brain lies but I see your heart. Words fly out at me like a million insects coming fast and hard but I always see something else shining at me from your eyes. I got scared yesterday, the thought of accepting an invitation for a date made my head spin. I can't do it now, not like this, it got me in a bad place last time. Give me a chance to show you how a woman like you should be treated. God why are those words so deceiving. I almost prefer the vulgar men who just say they want to fuck my brains out. There is nothing false about physical attraction, and that's all I seem to get. Even from you. I'm so beautiful, so sexy, so delicate and strong. I learned so early in life how to use that, how to smile and get my way. I swore off boys and dating before I even had my first kiss because I became an object. I hid my body under big sweatshirts and never wore make up and always had my hair up.

All I know right now is something in my heart isn't right. I know I can't rely on you but I'm not sure how to be without you. I keep thinking if I surround myself with more people, do more, have more, and then I won't care. It doesn't work. Why is that? Why can't I just say goodbye? Why can't I escape this gnawing feeling?

It's almost 4am. I should try and sleep again, try to block out your voice. Or perhaps I will shower and let the hot water wash away my tears. Breathe deep, brace yourself. It's another day.

Alysa [ 3:35 AM ] | 0 comments

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Numb fades into confusion. I was ready to give up on you Sunday, watching you walk away the way that you did. Putting the razor in my hand and then going out with friends. I received the message loud and clear, don't worry anymore. You don't care, I am the past now. I should be more upset than I am, I should be something. I don't want to hate, I don't want to be broken, I don't want to hate you. You see me hit the ground and it's like a sick game to see how far I can be pushed. How far can I be pushed? Is the simple fact that while driving home I asked myself how much it would take to kill me, how many little white pills would it take for me to sleep for days. Is that bad? I don't even know anymore. This lyric keeps pounding in my head, you told me you need space with a kiss on the side of my face. I know I am not the only one that thinks how I do, that you can't tell someone you don't love them and don't want to be with them and then hold them and kiss them. It almost doesn't matter that you want her, whoever she is. I'm not sure if you will be happy, if she makes that happen, wonderful.
I want to cause you pain. Rip your heart into tiny bits and do a happy dance on them. Watch you clutching yourself in pain and smile and kiss you and say it's all okay. You never try to say you love me, or that you're sorry. Cold hearted. I won't keep my mouth shut anymore, I've had my share of closing doors, and I know I'm not afraid. I know exactly what you'll say and I'm sorry, it's to late. Maybe it's time for goodbye. Time for you to take my painting down, erase my pictures, erase me. Or lie awake and go over how much you fucked up. Ache for the way only I can touch you. Miss my smell, my smile, the way my fingertips hold you to me. I am this extreme force of nature, I can blow your mind. I make guys weak with just a look, I may act like I don't know this but I do. I chose not to use it. Men would kill to be where you have been. I know I don't have to work to get a date, or even a boyfriend, but I don't want one. I simply don't care.
I will forever question why you sabotaged us, why I never got the chance. You've offered explanations but lies fall out of your mouth. Little ransom notes for my heart.
Exhale. You push me away, another black day, run out of ways to count the reasons to cry. Look at what you've missed, living like this, nobody wins. You're just too caught up in who you are.

I'm done. Once again I have to be the grown up. No. Over. I'm done. Let me rest in pieces. Fuck. Over. Dunzo. Done.

Alysa [ 12:03 AM ] | 4 comments