the dumbing down of love

The Girl

Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr

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Monday, January 30, 2006

Above is products of my over a week long panic attack. I've also made some for friends. If you would like one, let me know, I might start making these and selling them. Especially since I made most of those in less than 24 hours.

I have a lot on my mind, but I'm not ready to write about it just yet. I will keep you updated though, no worries. Time for dinner, hope all is well.

Alysa [ 6:36 PM ] | 3 comments

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

So with the continuing trend of things going good and being grateful, I have some new things to update you on.

First: Job Opportunity.

They are looking for a receptionist at my church. I had been kicking around the idea of applying but hadn't really decided. I prayed on it and did it. I sent the resume today. I mentioned it to my therapist, who is through my church, and she got extatic. Since her clients wait in the reception area she has been worried they will hire someone who isn't sensitive to that fact, so she would love for me to do it. Cross your fingers I get a call.

Second: Youth Ministry

I met with the new youth pastor at my church today, Josh. We covered all the things he is planning to do and what role I could have in the ministry. I have been extremely anxious to get started in this. I have always wanted to work with teens and this is a stepping stone for that. I'll probably go into much more detail about this in a later post but for now I just wanted to say yay. Plus I'm considering youth ministry as a career. I have been getting little nudges from God that this is where I belong. I'm starting to listen, it scares me a bit but I'm excited.

Third: Lives of Friends

My friend that I mentioned that might be in trouble, finally reached out to me. It wasn't a big reach, but it was there. As long as I can get communication flowing between me and him, things will be fine. Still keep him in your thoughts and prayers but he is doing better.
Also things with Tiffany and her husband are still on the road to getting better. He is still stubborn and abusive but he is getting some help. I hope it sticks.

So there is your update for today folks. I'm still doing better, I am getting much better at staying centered. I'm sleeping, meditating, eating good, and starting to excersise again. I love all of you for the support and kind words you have given me over the past several months, it was above and beyond. You couldn't imagine how much it helped. Hope you are all well.

Alysa [ 4:00 PM ] | 6 comments

Monday, January 23, 2006

I thought of another movie that I find amazing. A patch of blue. It's a lot older than the others I mentioned but I love it. If you haven't seen it please do so.

I am very thankful today. Thankful and more happy than I have been in about 6 months. Here is all that's happened.

Got a prescription plan which equals saving money.
Tiffany's husband is getting help with his OCD. She realized that it's not her, he is the one who needs help.
I had my first rape counseling session.
I have meds to help me sleep, anti-depressant, and for anxiety.
MHMR- if I qualify, I would get free psychiatric care and free meds.
My mom is still being nice.
I'm eating better, well minus the rice crispy treats.
Working out doesn't seem like such a far fetched idea.
My mom got us both gift certificates to a salon. I get 5 separate treatments. Including a designer hair cut, manicure, facial, hair conditioning visit, and waxing.

This all may seem small to the public at large but to me it's huge. I haven't had a lot that's even semi good happen to me lately, so these things are making the light at the end of my tunnel seem a bit closer.
Time to settle in for the night, I want to try and get up early and do ballet bar. I hope you are all good, let me know what you are thankful for today!

Alysa [ 7:37 PM ] | 4 comments

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Your need to be unseen now conflicts with your usual desire to interact with others. This retreat is not necessarily about insecurity. It could be a more practical issue, for you need the time to reestablish contact with your inner self. Although you may tend toward isolation, your mind is as sharp as a tack these days; your first shot is your best shot. Trust your intuition, even if you don't tell others what you are thinking for a few more days.

That's what my horoscope said for today. Seems very relevant. It's very cold and rainy today and I want to just snuggle up in bed and watch movies. I have church tho, I didn't make it last sunday because my mom was feeling sick.
I have a lot on my mind, a lot a lot. Maybe this week will clear some of the muck away.

Okay, interactive time.
I want all of you to name a movie that has effected you. I have more than one, so if you do to, that's fine. Mine are Thirteen, Home Room, Pieces of April, and Life as a House. There are probably more but those are the ones that jumped to mind today.

I must go get ready now, I hope you all are having a happy sunday.

Alysa [ 11:53 AM ] | 8 comments

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I wanted to update and say I'm not okay, but that that's okay. I'm taking baby steps to being fine. It takes time and pain so bare with me.
One of my closest and most important friends is in trouble. I'm afraid I might lose him. So are some others close to him, so say a prayer for him. Give him some strength.

I hope all is well with all of you.

I wear a disguise
I'm not just your average jane
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean I'm plain
If all you see is how I look
You miss the superchick within
And I christen you titanic underestimate and swim
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot bang that you hear round the world
I'm a one girl revolution
Some people see the revolution but most only see the girl
I can lose my hard earned freedom in my fear defines my world
I declare my independence from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone...

Alysa [ 11:11 AM ] | 2 comments

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

She's alone tonight,
With a bitter cup and,
She's undone tonight,
She's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons,
Who've been screaming she's just another so and so,
Another so and so
You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
Don't let go, Don't let go tonight.
There's a fear that burns,
Like trash inside
And you're ashamed of the curse,
That burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes, It's your book now,
You're,Golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
Don't let go,Don't let go tonight.
You're a lonely soul,
Inlet of broken hearts
You're far from home,
It's a perfect place to start
So this final verse,
Is a contradiction
And the more we learn,
The less we know
We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before
Golden,
You are Golden, Child
This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a singing crown away,
Like some debilitated king,
Don't let go tonight
Earth Spins and your mind goes round'
Green comes on the frozen ground,
And everything will be made new again,
Like freedom and spring,
Hey, like freedom and spring,
Like freedom and spring

It's been a bad day. I don't want to write about it, or talk it through, I just want to sit and cry and block everyone out. Watch Gilmore Girls, a sad movie, eat french fries and ice cream..ignore phone calls.

I hate feeling expendable. Not wanted nor needed. Humanity sucks today.

I realize I just updated this but I'm having a panic attack now and I just..hate all of this. So I'm asking this of you, distract me? Any way you wish, email me something [casset.tapes@gmail.com], leave comments, just something. I need to be distracted so I can breathe.

Alysa [ 6:28 PM ] | 2 comments

Monday, January 16, 2006

The past several days have been a blur. As most of you know that read this, the past month or so have been insane and hard. Just in the past week I have been going back to basics. Learning how to breathe again, meditation, music and reading, tons less television and junk food. It was keeping me sane during the waking hours. Night time though, has been hell. I turn off the lights and lay down and all of these images and thoughts flood my mind. Images from my rape, thoughs of my mom dying or kicking me out, horrible things that happened in my childhood, they just all flash like a bad movie. I try to stop them but they just keep coming, so I drug myself and try to sleep. Not even that has worked. I didn't have this happen last night, someone was next to me, breathing deeply and staying close. I forgot how much that helps, especially with the scarier images. But that can't be normal, I can't have that every day and night. I know I have abandoment issues, but I think the rape, my mom, cutting, and just past events have made it even worse. I cry when people leave me because I am so scared of myself and my own head. This is no ones problem but my own, I don't try to put it on anyone anymore. If they have to leave or just want to, I won't say different like I used to.
And something happened, I don't want to say what. But it scared me more than I ever could have expected. I didn't know that my brain and my body would respond like it did. This is just all so confusing. But in spite of the stream of tears I have going at the moment, I know what needs to be done.
1. Keep reading, meditating, and doing ballet.
2. Go to therapy on Wed. and the crisis center on Thurs.
3. Start planning how contacting my father will go.
4. Don't feel guilty for any of this, I can't control what's happening in my brain and what others do. If I feel it, it's real. I'm not overreacting.

That's all I have for now. I do want to leave you with a question:
Have you ever been sitting somewhere, minding your own business, and a song came on that sounded like they were talking directly to you?

Alysa [ 4:59 PM ] | 8 comments

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm laying in bed watching A Lot Like Love. I am in complete adoration of this movie. I have a lot of things running through my head right now. I want to pick up the phone and call someone, but I'm stopping myself for some reason. I talked to a really old friend today, we were best of friends in jr high. We met in 6th grade and just really hit it off. I found her on myspace.com randomly, I got giddy at just the idea of talking to her again. She sent me an instant message tonight and we talked for a couple of hours. She's still the same, still her. She offered me something in short supply for me lately, to simply be here. Not many people in my life will just be here for me, they have stipulations and conditions. She has been going through the same thing apparently. I want to go visit her very badly now. Which kind of brings me to my next topic.

I've been strongly considering contacting my father. I am out of options right now, I need help from somewhere. Shannon offered for me to crash at her place if I do decide to go down there. Which would kind of kill several birds with one stone. Seeing her, contacting my father, and also she could be emotional support. Contacting him is scary, I don't know what to expect at all. Even if I decide to call him I would need someone here with me while I did it. I get emotional just thinking about it.

I had a big cry fest at therapy today. I posted about my money issues and how I was going to sell some of my books. I ended up with 65 books and I only got 23 dollars for them. It was really disappointing. But I had to do something to try and better my situation. My therapist talked about how my situation is kind of like the battered women she treats. There are things that just simply have to be done to better my situation but all of my resources are tapped. I am scraping the bottom the barrel on my emotional energy, which makes it hard for me to accomplish even simple things. She did settle one worry in my mind tho, I had been worried that if things get worse with my mom that she would kick me out like she did my sister. I have no one to turn to if that does happen, but my therapist reminded me that the benevolence line at my church would take care of me if need be. The community at my church would not let me live on the streets. It's good to know that.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me tonight. I'm not upset in my general oh things are bad sort of way. Something is different, I'm not sure what. I think I might try and rest now. Maybe writing this will get some of the static out of my brain.

Alysa [ 12:40 AM ] | 5 comments

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

After my last post things have been hard. I need some form of independence so I'm selling some of my books and a few cd's. 26 books to be exact, it's like losing a leg for me. Even tho I still have a good 40 books left. I tried to pick ones I don't re-read on a regular basis. I need the money tho so I need to do it. I also have about 14$ in change that I'm going to cash in. If I hadn't already taken my extra clothes to Goodwill then I would go do a trade for those.
I went crazy with cleaning today. I haven't been up for cleaning or anything lately. Not even cooking which is usually a therapy thing for me. My meals have consisted of cereal and pizza rolls. But today I cleaned everything in my room, went through all my books and cd's, washed dishes, washed my comforter and sheets and blankets, and I will probably conquer my bathroom after I finish this.
I considered putting a pay pal button on here and my other various web thingies. But to me that seems a bit desperate. Even though I am I guess, I don't know. I just don't feel like I am that hard up, yet. I also thought about maybe doing some comissions for people, Wiether it be drawings, paintings, or some form of graphics. I hate doing those though, when it comes to my art I have a hard time letting people tell me how it should be done.

On a happier note than my financial issues. My church is only 3 weeks away from being in our ab fab new building. On Febuary 18th we are having a huge all day benefit. I had to keep from squealing during service because one of my fave artists for the past..4 years or more..is going to be there. At MY church. Plumb will be at my church. That makes me very excited. I doubt many of you have heard of her, she isn't very well known in the main stream circut. She has had songs in a couple of movies, Brokedown Palace, The Perfect Man. Some others but I don't remember all of them. So, yay for that.

Time to go scrub something else. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I've read your posts, just haven't had a lot to say. I hope you are all well :)

Alysa [ 5:18 PM ] | 6 comments

Saturday, January 07, 2006

I debated on weither or not to update on this or not but I feel like I need to.

Last night I had a fight with my mom, not the biggest we have had but a fight. I came to my room and when I came back out she was gone. This was around 930, around 1030 I started to worry. I called a couple of my friends to get their point of view if I should freak or just wait it out or what. When my mom left she left the t.v on and all the lights and the porch light, so it seemed like she would be right back. She also only took her wallet, no purse and no cell phone. Time continued to pass, around 1 am it started to cross over from the she could be out to where is she. I called my brother and sister n law at this point. They said I should wait till around 230 to really freak out, so I talked to them until that point. Then I called all the hotels near my house, and my moms office, and then I called my brother back. She wasn't at any hotels, the hospital or cops hadn't called or pounded on the door. By now it was around 3am, I told my brother I would call in the morning either way. Then I took something to calm me down and get rid of the killer headache I had. I took a hot bath and put on a movie and just laid here. I dozed in and out until 645 this morning when she came home. I went out to the kitchen and she didn't say hi, just handed me a magazine and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I asked if I got an explanation, she asked for what, I said for disappearing, she said no. So I came in my room and passed out.
I just went out there for the first time since, she didn't look at me or talk to me. So yea, I don't know what to do. I just needed to get this out of my head, I might update more later.

Alysa [ 3:18 PM ] | 1 comments

Thursday, January 05, 2006

I have felt sick and emotional all day. I've thrown up twice and just felt utterly nauseated. I haven't had anything to eat, so I know its not something like food poisoning. I haven't gone anywhere besides therapy in the past two weeks so I don't think I have a bug of some sort. I don't know, I keep crying at the drop of a hat as well. Maybe it's just sleep deprevation.

I'm watching this show on the Travel Channel. It's about Jack Osbourne, titled "Jack Osbourne: Adrenaline Junkie. It's about how he goes from the flabby, drunk, druggy we knew on the reality show, to this buff guy that climbs a mountain or something. So far it's funny to watch him sweat and jump around, and yoga.

I feel sick again so I'm going to go lay in my bathroom. I hate waking up and being sick immediatly. OH and scary thought, I wanted mexican earlier and then when I saw some it made me feel sooo sick. I love mexican..what is the deal.

Alysa [ 10:20 PM ] | 4 comments

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Appropriate title. I just found out my friend Josh was in a car accident. I haven't talked to him in a couple months because we were both going through a lot and yea. He is staying with his mom for a while, her house is only a few streets from mine. I called his cell and left a message but I don't expect him to be checking it all that often.

I tried to think of all sorts of interesting things to write about today, nothing came to mind. Well I take that back, there were lots of things that came to mind. Most of these things are personal tho and I don't want just anyone knowing them. A lot of my friends are having problems and I don't want to broadcast their issues. So yea, boring post.

I need energy, perhaps I'll eat something.

Alysa [ 4:53 PM ] | 3 comments