Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Alysa [ 9:13 PM ] | 4 comments

Some of you kind of seemed interested in the problems I have with my mother. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail about the things she has done and continues to do. I will tell you that she has done her best to keep me down most of my life. If I wasn't doing something, she yelled at me to do what she thought was best. Then when I would do what she was yelling at me about, she would flip out about that and tell me I will never be able to do it. She lies and keeps things from me. She also demeans and belittles me in front of others.
I love my mother, and I have done everything I can for her. I put my life on hold to help her last year when she had open heart surgery. I held her hair for her when I was little and she was throwing up from drinking to much. I did everything she asked. From the time my father left us, she always told me everything and treated me like an equal and a partner. She suddenly changed all that when I got to be about 13 and started speaking my mind more than I already did.
I can't make her happy. Which even she admits. I recently asked her what she would do when I move out, who would she yell at and blame everything on? She said she would yell at the dogs. I think that lets you know the position I am in. I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't place. I know I am moving out as soon as I possibly can and I know this will be an ultimatum to my mother. It will be me abandoning her, me breaking her heart, and my freedom.

I am doing everything in my power to fix my life and fix myself. I am in therapy for things I don't care to go into at the moment. I plan to go back to school and get a good job and moving out. I have plans for myself, I don't tell anyone about them accept for maybe two people. Those plans are like my secret right now, when I tell others they tell me what I can't do, not what I can.
I'm walking away from people who hurt me, don't believe in me, and constantly seek to leave me. It's incredibly painful and I'm struggling through all of this mess but I fully plan on coming out the other side, glowing and stronger. Goodbye to you by Michelle Branch has become my theme song for this month. This next year possibly too.
Anyways, this is possibly one of the more personal posts I have ever done. I am going to cut it off here and go back to relaxing. If you [being whoever is reading this] want to know more about me, just ask. I don't mind sharing my life, but I am learning to keep more things close to me unless asked. So ask if you wish :)


Edit::
I just went into my mothers room to ask for some asprin stuff because I hurt my back. Immediatly it went into why I could never go through beauty school. And why she thinks I could never make it. Lovely yes?