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The Girl
Aly. 21. Las Vegas, Nevada. Dreamer, schemer, and make believer. I'm everything you know and everything you can't understand. I'm full of contradictions and misconceptions. I love without holding back and can change your life if you let me. Never underestimate me because that will be your biggest mistake. Myspace Flickr 
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Previous Posts
New So perfect from far Transference clean slate Viva Las Vegas I'm alive. Look at me, I'm a vlogger! Heartbeat Girl on the verge Betrayal
The Archives
February 2005March 2005 April 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 January 2007 February 2007 April 2007 Current Posts |
Saturday, December 31, 2005
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years. I leave you with a video to watch. When Genevive ruled the world.Love to you all. Alysa [
4:36 PM ]
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3 comments
 
Friday, December 30, 2005
 myredself.orgYou don't fall out of love until you fall into someone else. Click Clak Alysa [
5:10 PM ]
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3 comments
 photo from myredself.orgI just spent the past hour laying on the floor of my living room. Not moving, not talking, not doing anything. I'm not sure if this should worry me or not. My therapist thinks I need out of my house for like a week, but I have no where to go or money to get there. Just a random update, I think I might go stare at the ceiling again. just an edit..i hate my mother. someone save me. another edit..this day just keeps getting better. " IM 28 M FROM AROUND GEORGETOWN. IM 6'4" 240LBS BLONDIS BROWN HAIR BLUE EYES ATHETLIC BUILD. IM A FIREFIGHTER. IM MARRIED (NOT HAPPILY). IM LOOKING FOR A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS JUST BENEFITS QUICK IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IF U LIKE WHAT U HEAR GIVE ME A EMAIL BACK AND MAYBE WE CAN CHAT" I got that message on myspace.com. Yes he used all caps, yes he was serious. Now apparently guys see me and go, Ooo cheating on my wife. This is just lovely. Alysa [
3:52 PM ]
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5 comments
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
 photo from myredself.orgThere were tiny rainbows in my bath. thinking of ways to hide what I did. wondering how many it would take to disappear. learn some grace. Your actions have consequences. yelling yelling. Why aren't you my mom anymore? tiny rainbows and unfocusing my eyes. shaking hands and a backbeating heart. --me Alysa [
7:43 PM ]
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6 comments
click for a laugh. i want to meet those people. yes i do.
Alysa [
4:00 PM ]
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2 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
 This is a picture from diversify.nu. There is amazing photography on there but a lot of it is of a sensitive nature and some is graphic. If you can't handle it don't look but I find the capture of the human struggle to be beautiful. Just thought I would share. Alysa [
9:11 PM ]
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3 comments
 I don't know what you're looking for you haven't found it baby, that's for sure You rip me up and spread me all around in the dust of the deed of time And this is not a case of lust, you see it's not a matter of you versus of me It's fine the way you want me on your own but in the end it's always me alone And I'm losing my favourite game you're losing your mind again I'm losing my baby losing my favourite game I only know what I've been working for another you so I could love you more I really thought that I could take you there but my experiment is not getting us anywhere I had a vision I could turn you right a stupid mission and a lethal fight I should have seen it when my hope was new my heart is black and my body is blue And I'm losing my favourite game you're losing your mind again I'm losing my favourite game I've tried but you're still the same I'm losing my baby you're losing a saviour and a saint Alysa [
2:56 PM ]
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4 comments
Monday, December 26, 2005
 Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about And that's what you get for falling again you can never get him outta your head And that's what you get for falling again you can never get him outta your head Its the way that he makes you feel its the way that he kisses you its the way that he makes you fall in love She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men And that's what you get for falling again you can never get him outta your head And that's what you get for falling again you can never get him outta your head Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everthing pretty soon she'll figure out you can never get him outta your head its the way that he makes you cry its the way that he's in your mind its the way that he makes you fall in love Alysa [
11:31 PM ]
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1 comments
I've written about this before. I know I have but if you don't want to read it I'm not making you.My fave Gilmore Girl episode..I now have it on DVD. For the past several or more months this one episode has mirrored my life. I could watch it on repeat and just cry in bed. Which I'm doing today..not the repeat part but the in bed crying. There are certain things I don't write about in here because certain people read this. I also have this weird feeling my mom found this..side note..um anyway back to my point. I've been in a funk..I didn't wash my hair or shave my legs for days. I only did so because I had church and didn't want to go to Christmas Eve service all smelly and hairy. I've had terrible lock jaw from stress..so I haven't been eating a whole lot. I've layered many blankets on my bed and kept my room extra cold so it's all snuggly. I've been avoiding people by phone and instant messenger, the only way people have contacted is email or persistent text messages. I wish I was in Chicago right now..or Mountain Home. Just somewhere that I know the people love me unconditionally and will let me wallow and help the process along. This is the first time in a very long time I do not mind being isolated and alone. I want to just hide and work through everything in my mind and heart by my little lonesome. Just for reference..I do not want any comments saying 'read this book it will help you get over him' or 'there is always a silver lining so buck up camper'. I don't mind positive things but be supportive while the positive is happening. I'm not sure any of this made sense to anyone but me. I just needed to get it out of my head ...tears are blurring the computer screen now so I must go. Alysa [
3:21 PM ]
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0 comments
Sunday, December 25, 2005
'Do you have any single friends? You seem to know a lot of people. -Michael'Is this a bad sign? That I no longer get hit on but get asked if I have any single friends? I'm offended and want to pinch this dude.He is also as tall as me..or as short depending how you look at it. 5'6 is great for chicks but for a dude..wow no. I got one Christmas present, a happy one tho. It also made my day to know that I have a wrapped and waiting present in Chicago. Apparently it's nice and I'm going to love it. I hope you all are having a great holiday and if not, I leave this with you for a laugh. Who took my pie? oy with the poodles already. edit: personal note, remember to check if movies are entirely in japanese. I am not against foreign cinema but trying to read subtitles while things are blowing up and people are talking in fast fast speedy japanese..it's all very distracting. Now onto 'The Phantom of the Opera'...no subtitles wahoo! and I LOVE musicals, shush about me being corny and romantic. Alysa [
7:36 PM ]
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1 comments
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I'm exhausted and slightly hungover..okay more than slightly. I'm not so sure I will update a whole lot the rest of this week. I'm going to Gilmore Girl it and take bubble baths and do facials. Add to that ignoring everyone in my house so they do not bring me down and junk food, and you get a good end of the week. I plan to do nothing for Christmas but drink margaritas and ignore the fact that it's the holidays. My family scares me. I need a nap.
Alysa [
5:11 PM ]
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2 comments
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
 I have had a weird/good/confusing week. I've given up on and written off people who just are not good for me. I've put my foot down and stood up for what I need and want. I have become brutally honest again. I have connected with a stranger, one that I now care about like a little sister. I'm struggling to walk away from things that are slowly killing me and walk towards things that make me glow with happiness. I've been a basketcase, a tough girl, a strong believer dreamer, a sex kitten, a woman, a small girl in your arms, and an angry little faerie. I've smiled more in the past day than I have in weeks. I feel at peace but also scared and sad. Healing is a confusing process. It's the season finale of Nip/Tuck and I am on the edge of my seat so I must leave you now. I am eager to learn who 'the carver' is. Goodnight all. Alysa [
9:13 PM ]
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4 comments
Monday, December 19, 2005
Some of you kind of seemed interested in the problems I have with my mother. I'm not going to go into excruciating detail about the things she has done and continues to do. I will tell you that she has done her best to keep me down most of my life. If I wasn't doing something, she yelled at me to do what she thought was best. Then when I would do what she was yelling at me about, she would flip out about that and tell me I will never be able to do it. She lies and keeps things from me. She also demeans and belittles me in front of others. I love my mother, and I have done everything I can for her. I put my life on hold to help her last year when she had open heart surgery. I held her hair for her when I was little and she was throwing up from drinking to much. I did everything she asked. From the time my father left us, she always told me everything and treated me like an equal and a partner. She suddenly changed all that when I got to be about 13 and started speaking my mind more than I already did. I can't make her happy. Which even she admits. I recently asked her what she would do when I move out, who would she yell at and blame everything on? She said she would yell at the dogs. I think that lets you know the position I am in. I am in a damned if I do damned if I don't place. I know I am moving out as soon as I possibly can and I know this will be an ultimatum to my mother. It will be me abandoning her, me breaking her heart, and my freedom. I am doing everything in my power to fix my life and fix myself. I am in therapy for things I don't care to go into at the moment. I plan to go back to school and get a good job and moving out. I have plans for myself, I don't tell anyone about them accept for maybe two people. Those plans are like my secret right now, when I tell others they tell me what I can't do, not what I can. I'm walking away from people who hurt me, don't believe in me, and constantly seek to leave me. It's incredibly painful and I'm struggling through all of this mess but I fully plan on coming out the other side, glowing and stronger. Goodbye to you by Michelle Branch has become my theme song for this month. This next year possibly too. Anyways, this is possibly one of the more personal posts I have ever done. I am going to cut it off here and go back to relaxing. If you [being whoever is reading this] want to know more about me, just ask. I don't mind sharing my life, but I am learning to keep more things close to me unless asked. So ask if you wish :) Edit:: I just went into my mothers room to ask for some asprin stuff because I hurt my back. Immediatly it went into why I could never go through beauty school. And why she thinks I could never make it. Lovely yes? Alysa [
7:57 PM ]
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4 comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
 Everytime I let my guard down with my mother because she has been in a semi-decent mood this happens. I treat her like I should a mother and ask for advice on something or just talk about something going on in my life. She then promptly slams me and tells me how wrong I am. Most often when she says these things, she is so far off that I wonder if she has even met me. Today it was simply the question of if something my best friend has always told me to do is right or not. My best friend has always told me that if I want to go somewhere or go visit someone to just go. If they are my friend they will not mind. Well my mom flipped it into this whole thing of me apparently 'throwing myself' and someone and 'stalking' them. Basically making me feel like a idiotic whore with an extra side of crazy. Not everything I do is fucked up, and not everything I do is wrong. I make mistakes yes, but how will I learn if I don't. I'm not going to be like her, keeping myself and my heart so closed off that not even my children can love me. I refuse to be that way. If this causes me pain then so be it. I can't be her, and I can't be her everything anymore. Alysa [
3:15 PM ]
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7 comments
Saturday, December 17, 2005
I did another new layout..I always feel way to bad using someone elses work. I needed to make my own and re do the codes and just..yea. This one will stick I promise :) That's my dog Sophie. Yesterday tried to jump thru a window. No, not really. She was barking at something and punched the window with her two front paws and shattered it. She sliced her leg pretty bad, I think it needs stitches but we can't afford that.  Now we have cardboard and trashbags covering a window in our dinning room area. She is scared to really go in there now. And all of the sudden my mom wants to train her. Hah, funny, considering the dog is 3 years old. I love Sophie, I really do, she just isn't the most trained dog on earth.  Now back to Coldplay in concert from ACL on tv. Yay, they are playing 'Fix you'. Chris Martin looks like he is humping the piano. Alysa [
8:04 PM ]
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3 comments
I've got time to watch you spin around in circles Falling through the cracks inside your mind That's fine I've been through the darkest our made it to the other side of you I can't live without you I live for the day I live for the night That you will be desperate and dying inside I live for the tears to fall down your face I live for the words you finally say I live for the day You are high, thinking your invincable so busy building castles in the sky Your done, and you don't even know it but your eyes have started showing that it's true Trying to live without love I want to see you crawling I'm ready to wallow now. Alysa [
2:07 PM ]
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0 comments
Friday, December 16, 2005
This is from a guy I do NOT know. Random and funny and helps me hate men.Hey Aly. How are u beautiful? Hopefully fine as u look. I just wanted u to know I could make up your mind for your orientation. I could make u straight or both ways. Anyway could I call u sometime sweet pea? sad..so sad. FYI: Fosters home for imaginary friends..the character cheese. Funniest thing on earth! I like cereal. One more thing.. Go to this link. It's awesome and I think all girls should know about it and men should as well. Retouch. Alysa [
3:07 PM ]
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1 comments
Thursday, December 15, 2005
For Brent:This came on in the car and I thought it might touch your soul. The boy who blocked his own shot-Brand New If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. Alysa [
12:54 PM ]
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0 comments
I changed the layout up again. The comment set up was driving me slightly bonker-onkers on the other one. Yes..much better.'Did someone mention cheese?' I love this show and need more, I've watched this season much much much. padunkadunk. I think I'm punch drunk from being so sleepy. Alysa [
9:51 AM ]
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1 comments
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
 I don't feel well today. Girl problems and allergies. It has been a day full of resting, Gilmore Girls, chocolate, more resting, and feeling horrid. I'm a very sleepy girl and I think I need a hot lavender bubble bath, maybe some wine, and much rest and quiet. I can tell you things nobody knows. I've been places nobody goes. Alysa [
8:20 PM ]
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3 comments
The girl who was forgotten by absolutely everyone.I'm exhausted on every level of my being. I want hugs and Gilmore Girls. I also want people that love me. Alysa [
1:36 PM ]
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1 comments
Monday, December 12, 2005
 I am going to drink you out of my head and spin this day away. Did you ever love me? Alysa [
6:29 PM ]
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0 comments
I don't have good birthdays. Never have. I've been alone all day today and that doesn't suprise me. No one sent a card. Only 2 people called. Everyone has something more important going on. I keep getting told my 20's will be better than my teens were. I don't know if I believe that..I do believe I'm getting drunk tonight. If only I had something harder than wine.Cheer me up. Alysa [
5:04 PM ]
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1 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
It's my birthday in 2 hours and 45 mins. Just thought I would share that.
Alysa [
9:13 PM ]
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1 comments
Friday, December 09, 2005
Some say we're never meant to grow upI'm sure they never knew enough I know the pressures won't go away It's too late Find out the difference somehow It's too late to even have faith Don't think things will ever change You must be dreaming Think before you make up your mind You don't seem to realize I can do this on my own And if I fall I'll take it all It's so easy after all Believe me 'cause now's the time to try Don't wait, the chance will pass you by Time's up to figure it out You can't say it's too late Seems like everything we knew Turned out were never even true Don't trust, things will ever change You must be dreaming Some say we're better off without Knowing what life is all about I'm sure they'll never realise the way It's too late Somehow it's different everyday In some ways it never fades away Seems like it's never gonna change I must be dreaming Think before you make up your mind You don't seem to realize I can do this on my own Think before you make up your mind You don't seem to realize I can do this on my own And if I fall I'll take it all It's so easy after all Believe me, it's alright It's so easy after all Believe me, it's alright It's so easy after all Alysa [
3:58 PM ]
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1 comments
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Can I ask you a question pleasePromise you won't laugh at me Honestly I'm standing here Afraid I'll be betrayed. As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away Can you turn my black roses red? Can you turn my black roses red? Drowning in my loneliness How long must I hold my breath So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea I reach to the sky as the moon looks on One last year has come and gonne It's time to let your love rain down on me Can you turn my black roses red? Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love Can you turn my black roses red? Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love until it fades Alysa [
9:15 PM ]
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1 comments
 Some people are not even human. The things that some people are capable with doing and having a clear conciense is amazing. Yet these same people wonder why I do self distructive things. No one cares enough to save me. I don't even want to call the help line or my therapist. It's pointless to stop myself. I would rather dull the pain than talk about it. Alysa [
8:37 PM ]
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2 comments
its cold, incase you didn't notice.
Alysa [
8:48 AM ]
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1 comments
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
New layout. I love it. It's girly, dreamy, and clean. Not to flashy where you are so distracted by the layout to read the posts. Tell me what you think!
Alysa [
4:14 PM ]
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1 comments
Monday, December 05, 2005
My future will be spent with those who want me not with those who constantly seek to leave me My future will be spent with those who believe in me not those who seek ways to disprove me My future will be spent with those support me not those who seek support from others My future will be spent with those who appreciate me not those who take all I have then call themselves poor My future will be spent with those who love me not with those who are lonely in my presence My future will be spent with those who lift me up not with those whom I correctly anticipate hurting me My future will be spent with those who make me bloom not with those who cast me in their shadow My Future will be spent with those who want to be with me not with those who seek to exclude me Alysa [
6:41 PM ]
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0 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005
You were the one thing that one thing that I could count on You were my everything And then I found out that we meant nothing from someone on the street And I never saw it coming never saw it coming No I never saw it coming never saw something I believed all the things you said I believed in you If you were me would you push you? Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you Would you cry out would u break down? Would you wait for karma to come around? Would you give up? Would it be enough To make you never ever wanna be in love What would you do, what would u do if you were me? Would it be through? I dont know whats left to talk about but I found it hard to leave With us so closure how could you want her When you were still with me And I never saw it coming never saw it coming No I never saw it coming never saw something I believe all the things you said I believed in you If you where me would you push you Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you Would you cry out would u break down? Would u wait for karma to come around? Would u give up? Would it be enough? To make you never ever wanna be in love What would you do what would u do if you were me? Would it be through? You turned something so good so bad Threw out all the things we had Put yourself in my shoes it?s sad I believed all the things that you said I believed in you If you where me would you push you Would you turn the other cheek and forgive you Would you cry out would u break down? Would u wait for karma to come around? Would u give up? Would it be enough? To make you never ever wanna be in love What would you do what would u do if you were me? Would it be through? Would it be through? What would u do if you where me If you were me what would you do? |